February 16, 2008

This Old Habit

In bed on a Friday night in this god-forsaken desert as a sand storm threatens to uproot the tomato plants I sowed a few weeks ago. Rolling like a suppressed memory, the wind dares me to break the mold and try my hand, once more, at this old habit. Staring at this blank screen in the safety of a warm bed, my sick snoring wife next to me, I search for remnants of fading youth.

I just watched Breakfast with Hunter a documentary about my childhood hero. I type the word childhood referring to the time before I was a father, a husband, a teacher, or much of a man. Free and rudderless, I was lost and directionless. Both the young and old romanticize these feelings of disorientation and autonomy; I am here tonight contemplating the gonzo fist inked onto my chest. The emblem engraved onto my flesh from the child to the man was meant to remind me to never forget the promises that were made those lonely nights in dark smoky rooms, those early mornings shrouded in fog, terror, loneliness and love. No matter how hard the world tries to break you and snuff out the fires that keep you alive, no matter how sedated you feel after being force-fed the dream of consumptive glee; it is vital that you recall the vows you made: no amount of stability or security is worth the fear and loathing brought about by looking into a mirror and realizing that you have disappeared. Another faceless sheep mesmerized by the very machine you despised.

In memory of HST


  1. leave it to you to jump start my sorry ass into gear and focus on what is really important :) thank you again my friend. :)

  2. Anonymous11:36 PM

    What is a hero? I have been contemplating this as I read your post. What does it say about us, the heros that we choose? Are they worthy of it?

    Whatever happens, please continue to see the good that is there. Don't become so disillusioned with what's wrong with the world that you shoot yourself in the head like Hunter.


  3. yes, trust you to come back in full force! great post, j. passionate and raw.
    the last thing i would think of you as is mesmerised.