Off This Funk

Can’t seem to fight off this funk today. I only have two reports left to write and the inputting of grades, so that should be manageable tomorrow night and before the weekend. Although we still have another two weeks of school, the end is near and things are wrapping up. So what is it?


I was a bit bummed I couldn’t skate tonight. The conditions were perfect and it was a tease to be there and just watch, but my tendons are still tender and I do not want to risk serious injury before the summer. Maybe I will give it a spin on Sunday. The pain is now isolated just in my wrist and it is almost gone.


There are two factors that have me down today:


1- The Brock Turner case. I can’t seem to shake how awful the whole thing is. I continue to read comments and posts and try to find something rational to say about solutions and what happens next, but I am left with anger and disgust. I still do not have the energy to really capture my thoughts.


In the meantime, there are several articles by people who are getting it right. I guess my main issue is that we need to find way to address privilege and rape culture more aggressively. This behavior cannot be accepted as part of what it means to be a man or what it mans to be in college.


This is criminal.


But the other side that is bugging me is how do we handle crime? How do we met out justice? Would sending Tucker to prison for six years deter rape? Would it teach him a lesson? Would it end rape culture? Is punishment the end result of crime? Is this justice? Do we have a responsibility to teach and rehabilitate? Can we ever teach men that women are not there for our amusement and abuse? When men act as criminals and rape…is there any hope? Do we just lock them up? I feel we need a new approach and it starts like all things in schools and ends with....well I don't know. But I don't think punishment always equates with justice. Prisons will not end crime...schools will.


I am filled with questions and anger.


2. The other thing that has me down is Hillary. I just can’t get myself excited. Sure it is historical that we have a woman nominee, but that doesn’t seem to be enough-she is a center right corporate sponsored hawk. This is status quo America and I was hoping for more. I have never been a fan of the DNC- not with Bill or even Obama, and Hillary is more right-wing than either of those guys. It was so nice to have a politician at least pay lip-service to my ultra-left progressive voice.


I don’t actually live the US, so I don’t have a horse in this race, but I will find it very difficult to get behind Clinton and when/if I ever do, it will feel dirty and shameful, so I actually hope that I don’t.


I do understand that American politics has got to be more than presidential elections. It is clear that we are still a long way from having a viable third-party. The DNC will see to that. We will continue to be distracted by the crazy right-wing dupes and the lesser of two evils.


It appears that in presidential politic, the left has little to no voice. The Bernie Sanders sound bites and primary campaign will be the closest we get to being heard by our government…..unless of course this new movement, this revolution keeps Hillary honest and forces the DNC to move left at the state and local levels.


We need young politicians and union leaders and city council people to push the progressive agenda from the ground up. America will never have a truly progressive president, corporate America and their candidate have made that clear.


Who knows, maybe I need to move back home, roll up my sleeves and fight the good fight, instead of whining and complaining from my privileged seat overseas.


The world has got me down tonight. I understand that some of you are excited about the new Democratic nominee for president, and I hope she is what you want her to be, but we have been here before many times and she, despite her gender, is nothing new. She will pick apart the nation just like her husband did so many years ago. Of course she is better than Trump, but you can say that about a cockroach.


Tomorrow is Thursday. It is June and a new day. I will be ready for it as always.

The Next Tide

I've got a wicked cold sore. My teeth ache. My head has been hurting for most of the day. And between teaching, writing reports, attending meetings about next year, and going to the Middle School play- I am spent.


So much information was poured into my poor brain today it is a miracle I can even keep my eyes open, let alone try and manufacture something that resembles sense, let alone something worth reading.


There were many things and thoughts that occurred today, but I simply don’t have the energy to frame them in any meaningful way.


Maybe that is the lesson, that on some days you simply absorb the events, the conversations between classes about siblings in comas, the dealing with one of your kids lying, the wonder of MS theater, the need to be present with one eye on the future, your growing loathing for a certain orange-faced charlatan, your anxious hoping that Bernie pulls off California next week, you peripheral interest in the hometown basketball team, your looking forward to the weekend so you can get back on your skateboard, your pride in your friend’s short story and amazing literary career, your excitement and apprehension about playing live music in front of a crowd of your peers unsure if you will pull it off or choke- will your lip still hurt, your teeth, are you getting sick, will your voice sound any worse than it usually does- and all the other thoughts angling for a spot in your over-filled mind.


And once absorption hits saturation, maybe you just shut it all down and wait for the emptiness to creep back in and make room for the next tide.

Slight Sting

I was feeling the slight sting of that last Cascadia beer this morning when I woke up. It wasn’t crippling, but it made my eyes burn a bit, you know, in that I shouldn’t have ordered that last beer after midnight kind of way. All I wanted was to lay in bed and sleep till noon, but Mairin had us all up and out of bed and headed toward Bedok before nine. She was off to her Zumba class; Skye had a play date; Kaia and I had agreed to run around the reservoir. This was not something I wanted to do, but I had promised that my return to drinking would not effect the girls in anyway, so in a matter of minutes I was at the reservoir stretching with Kaia.

From the first step, I knew that Mairin was right. The sun was soft and golden and the water still. We found a comfortable pace and enjoyed the early silence of our run. I’m not sure why, but I raised the topic of politics with her. I realised as a third-culture American, she has no idea who our president is, so I told her. We discussed four year terms and two term limits. I told her we are in an election cycle right now and tried to explain the two parties and the current batch of candidates. It went something like this:

Some people believe that the government should stay out of people’s lives. That we shouldn’t pay too many taxes and that citizens should decide what to do with their own money. These people also believe that people should be more religious, and they often want to make decisions that effect everyone based on their religious ideas. They like to have a big army and are often afraid of things that are different and that they don’t understand. They don’t want too many people from outside of America to come to America. They call themselves conservatives or Republicans.

The other group thinks that the government’s role is to help as many people as it can. So if you are lucky enough to have an education and a good job, then you should pay slightly more taxes so that we can build better schools and help every American have the same opportunities. These people believe that everyone has value and that diversity makes our country stronger. They prefer to solve problems by talking instead of fighting and think that our army might be too big and causing more problems than it is solving. They work toward peace and equality for all and think that your religion is your business and has no place in government. The people are called liberals or Democrats.

One thing that is exciting is that one of the candidates is a woman. Which is cool because the USA has never had a woman president. She is a Democrat and many people are excited about her, but she is running against another Democrat who is much more liberal than her. He really wants to create a government that helps poor Americans. I voted for him last week.

On the other side there is a business man who has lots of money, but has never been in government. He is saying some very aggressive things and people seem to like him for it. He wants to build a wall to keep people out of America. He thinks that Muslims should not be allowed into America, and he is often rude to the other candidates. he makes fun of them and calls them names.

He is running against a very religious man who thinks that America should be run like the bible and that women need help deciding what to do with their bodies. There is another guy too, but he doesn’t really stand for anything and he does’t have a chance. Any questions?

“Are we muslim? Is Grand-ma? Will the rude rich guy let us back in America since we live in Singapore?” No. No. Yes.

Then there was silence and we ran for a while as the sun shimmered in golden ripples on the reservoir and a dragon boat team grunted their way across the water.

…

It’s nice when people like your stuff: your ideas, your world view, the things you say and write and share. It’s nice when people like you. Writing these daily posts has been a very positive experience for me. It is interesting to see what people like and who and when and how often. Somedays, the posts are lame and float by unnoticed as they should, and on some days the words seem to resonate with people from various stages of my life. People have sent me private messages saying what they enjoy or told me in person how much they are appreciating the post. At first I thought I would turn a lot of people off. Who the hell wants to hear about anyone’s daily life? But apparently some of you do. So thank you. Thank you for reading, liking, commenting and participating in my life through this bizarre tiny cyber-window.

…

I finished the running book. It got okay at the end, when his wife left him and he questioned why he ran and contemplated some life decisions. But the majority of the book was like this:

I am training for a race. I don’t think I can win. I am vegan. I almost lost the race, but because I am a great runner I won. This narrative plays out for like ten races. I am sure he is an amazing athlete and and inspiration for sure, but a writer and a storyteller he is not. I found this quote from a review to be perfect:

Reading this book is like getting stuck in a one-sided conversation with the most boring dude at the party. In this particular case, the offender is an ultra-marathoner who's discovered the miracles of a vegan diet. As much as I love veganism and running, turns out I can't stand the person who's most famous for living/promoting the two.

Anyway, glad I read it. Had a few gems that made me think differently about running, but it was a marathon to get through. Next up….The Bell Jar.

We Give In. We Push.

I voted today. For the first time. Ever.

Well, that’s not true. I tried to get an absentee ballot in 2004, but I think my Nader vote got lost somewhere in the mail. But today, I am pretty sure I completed the Global Primary procedure correctly and for the first time, in my life, I was able to see past my cynicism of American politics. I voted!

For the first time in my life there is a candidate who champions my values: equality, diversity, closing the income gap, universal healthcare, concern for the environment, a peaceful and diplomatic foreign policy. I have found an anti-corporate leftist, liberal, progressive, tree hugging, socialist running for the President of the USA.

There is still a long way until in June, and in the back of my mind I am still convinced that there is no way the American ruling class will allow such a candidate represent the American working class. Somehow, Clinton will squirm her way back into the lead and she will most likely be the candidate for the DNC, but for now if I can help Bernie in anyway, I am going to ehlp. And for the first time in my life, I feel empowered that my vote is a step in that direction.

For the first time, I feel a part of the American democratic experience. This feeling of hope and empowerment has to mean something to the progressive movement. It feels like we might actually have a voice in the void created by decades of Reaganesque Neo-Liberal policies that have gutted the American middle class.

I do not feel nearly as strongly about Clinton, and I am not sure if I will vote for her if she becomes the candidate. I most likely will, but it is imprint to state that my vote today was not for the DNC, but for Bernie Sanders and I think there is a difference. Clinton will get my vote because the idea of a Republican presidency is too terrifying, but I am not at all inspired by another four years of Clinton in The White House.

Wow. That cynicism creeps up quickly. This was meant to be a post about joy and hope and empowerment. I voted today because I #feeltheburn. I hope I am scalded by it for months to come. I would love to see Bernie go up against any of the asshats from the GOP. I am hopeful that although America is divided and disillusioned, when push comes to shove, we will prove to be a nation of kindness and compassion, and that we will elect a leader who will try to help the majority Americans instead of blaming our problems on other people.

…

Happy International Women’s Day to anyone who has had the privilege of knowing, loving, working with, raising, being, or learning from a powerful independent woman. I have been privileged to have known so many such women.

I am thankful for your consistent guidance, your unwavering patience, and unflinching battle for equality. As a man, I know my understanding of my privilege has taken me a lifetime to internalize. I have had to come to terms with my own insecurities to truly empathize with the plight and frustration of not only the women in my life, but all women worldwide.

I have been lucky to learn about women from girlfriends, bosses, teachers, co-workers, friends, students, my children and of course Mairin. I know that I am far from being a worthy son, father, friend or husband, but I am also aware enough to understand that like all education, becoming a useful feminist is a lifelong commitment.

We read, we talk, we teach, we observe, we empathize, we question, we explore, we travel, we apologize, we give in, we push, we are grateful for the opportunity to work toward equality for all.

…

Reminder to self- Slow down. Breathe. Enjoy the small moments. It will all get done. Get more sleep. Drink more water. Smile. Don’t be so grumpy. Play your guitar more often and set up an open mic, it has been too long. Get back to the novel now that things are settling down. Clean your desk it will help clean your mind.

Have Some Water

This is how daddy doctor cures all ailments:

Hey daddy, I don’t feel too well. I have a bit of a headache and I think I am warm…Have some water and let’s see how you go.

My stomach hurts and I think i have diarrhea….You are dehydrated. Drink a bunch of water and we’ll check back in soon.

Daddy, I have a scratch on my arm and it really hurts…Let’s get some water and clean it first. Then have a glass of water to get you grounded.

I feel like I need to pee all the time, but when I go nothing comes out…That’s an easy one you need to drink two huge glasses of water for the next few hours.

I have a cold sore and my gums are sore…You need to gargle
some salt water for that.

I think there is something in my eye. It really hurts…Wash that out with some water.

I feel like I am about to throw up…Drink some water.

I feel car sick…Have a sip of this water.

…

I was helping Skylark brush her teeth this morning and started to think about how all these little shared moments are slowly slipping away. Kaia is very independent these days with her personal hygiene and there are very few things she needs me to help with.

But with Skye, we are still learning and so there we are brushing and talking and teaching. Sometimes it feels a bit like a chore: how much longer do I need to brush her damn teeth, but on mornings like today, when I stop and thinking about it, I realize that these moments are what her childhood is all about.

“Still not wobbly daddy.” She says disappointed but optimistic. She has been waiting for a tooth to come lose for a while now. I cannot wait for the day when her first tooth finally falls out. It might not seem like much to you and I, but I’m pretty sure the idea of losing her first tooth occupies a lot of time and space in her little mind. I want her to know it occupies a lot of space and time in my mind too.

…

Had to take a break tonight. Decided not to run and no working on the novel. Something has got to give. It is the week before my big trip to Kenya, and although it is all but ready, I still find myself worried about the smallest details.

It is nerve wracking to take other people’s children to Africa.

So today, after teaching three classes, and an English department meeting, I had a meeting with the kids and parents going on the tip to alleviate any stress and answer any questions. It went well. We have a good looking crew, but i didn't get home till after six, and by the time I ate, got the kids in bed, and had a second to decompress, I realized that it might be okay not to run or work on the novel tonight.

I have learned that goals are met when we do not give in and quit, but since I have been on a bit of a roll lately, I am also learning that you have got to give yourself some outs occasionally- tonight is my out.

Once this piece is done, I hope to read a bit, maybe watch Portlandia and crash early. Tomorrow is a big day; we are only a few sessions away from the publication of our first middle school literary magazine.

…

People are already starting to post articles about the “unelectablity” of Bernie Sanders, and how although she might not be the best candidate for progressive liberals, that Hillary is the best candidate we got. I don’t have the energy to get into why this thinking is dangerous, right now, but I will say that as of this moment I want to put out my official endorsement for Bernie Sanders. I have not voted for years, but I really hope he gets the nomination.

…

Observations:

• Water cures everything. 
• The little details in a child’s life should be important to the parent just as much as the child, because they are fleeting for both. 
• Sometimes even the most goal oriented people need a break. 
• Progressives are more afraid of republicans than they are passionate about their values. 

1. What’s your cure all? 
2. What’s your breaking point? 
3. Clinton or Sanders? Why? Go? (If you are GOP, write in your candidate and reasons too. I’ll humour you.) 

A Tornado Is Coming

I read the news today oh boy!

The Iranian president, now that the sanctions have been removed, has been gallivanting around Europe. First on a trip to Italy and now he is in France buying up airbuses and making deals with car manufactures.

At first this trip, or at least the symbolism of it, made me happy. After decades behind the veil, it feels like Iran might finally be moving away from the global pariah state. The picture of the President and the Pope was somewhat endearing. You see, we Iranian don’t see our leaders hobnobbing with the likes of people like the Pope too often. It feels strange and somehow important.

Maybe this could be a sign that Iran is finally about to re-enter the world of nations, instead of being on the Axis of Evil, denying the Holocaust, supporting Hezbollah or making nuclear bombs.

But as I read further, by newly found joy and mirth turned to skepticism, frustration and eventual rage. (It’s a joy being me.)

I began to think about how Rouhani and his chums, the clerics and mullahs, are going to benefit the most from the release of over 100 billion dollars worth of frozen assets. There is no way they will use that money to build Iran. For almost thirty years these bastards have been in charge and for what? How have they ever improved life for most Iranians? When have they ever been decent enough to think of the people they rule instead of lining their own pockets and pushing their backwards dogma?

Then I read about the statues and the wine, and I lost it!

So apparently when he was in Italy, the Vatican covered up all the nude paintings so as not to offend his holiness. In his defense, he did ask for this to be done, but the Vatican felt it would be a nice thing to do.

Well, is that swell. But get this! He was meant to lunch with the French president today. And in this case, he did ask that there be Halal meat on the table, fair enough, but that they also remove wine from the menu and not have any on the table.

Really? Really? Are we dealing with children here, that we have to worry that he might be offended of possibly seeing a few boobs and a penis, and that if he is even around a glass of wine…that what? What would happen exactly? Is he not the ruler of a nation, a people who’s history is over two thousand years old? Has he not been educated to realise that maybe the french like to drink some fuckin’ wine with their meal, and that maybe, just maybe, he can  ignore it?

So the meal was canceled, because the French refused to remove the wine! Viva Le France. They offered a breakfast instead, but Rouhani refused, saying that was “too cheap.” Palm to the face.

As if all of that wasn’t bad enough, in Iran, the Supreme Leader and his cronies have decided to ban the word wine from all books published in Iran.

Ban the word wine!

It’s almost too idiotic to believe. Who do they think they are leading? A bunch of morons? We Iranians are the people of Hafez and Rumi. (The symbol of wine, as in the drunkness of the beloved) is in our blood and our poetry.

"Bring the pure wine of
love and freedom.
But sir, a tornado is coming.
More wine, we'll teach this storm
A thing or two about whirling. "

I just don’t get it. The people of Iran, with our poetry and food and culture and history are like a magical gem that can and should shed light on the people of the world. We are The Persians for goodness sake. We were doing civilisation before anyone else. And what do these jack-offs in charge do with this gem? They cover it up. Try to remove its magic and in the process hide it from the world, as if it is theirs to control.

So yeah, the president of Iran is buying planes in France, but we are still a long way from Iran taking its place on the world stage. Not sure how much longer we will have to wait for freedom from this madness. Still hoping I see it in my life time.

…

It seems that I get hot and bothered about news stories I can’t do much about, and I am very happy when talking about my teaching and my new exercise routine (did body pump again today)

It’s been strange and thought proving to write every night for the last 29 days. It’s a lot like running, as I rarely want to do either. It’s hard as hell while I am trying to pull out the thoughts and dress them in words, finding something important or interesting or funny to say. And it feels pretty good when it is all said and posted. It is forcing me to really be aware of the thoughts I find valuable and carry around with me throughout the day.

...

My trip to Kenya is only a week away- I am ready to sit on Jason​’s porch and watch the sunset and talk and catch up and see my best friend again. As we get older and live farther and farther away from our closest friends, we learn to value the short visits we can sneak in. It has been a year since I saw him and I will only be at Daraja for a week, and will be busy taking care of students, but those nights when everyone is asleep and we sit and watch the stars and talk about the past, present and future…..well that is what heaven is like. Friendships that have lasted twenty plus years are what make life worth living.

…

I hate that Donald Trump is making Ted Cruz look like a viable candidate. But I love how Bernie Sanders is making Hilary look like less of one.

...

Lessons Learned:

• I feel a weird pride in my Iranian heritage and I hate it when the mullahs misrepresent what we are all about. 
• Writing every night is hard work. 

1. What do you love about your culture and who or what messes it up?
2. What do you like writing or exercise that is hard but pays off?