220/365

 there’s people having strokes
and losing legs out there.
as you curl up with
your pathetic despondency,
pleading for indulgent pity,
because your are too content
and bored with the predictability
of an easy and secure life.
haven't you heard the latest pop song
it’s brutal out here.
aren’t you listening?
stop navel gazing
and conjure something that
burns like passion and brand it onto
each day. the next day. everyday.
can’t just leave behind
this legacy of lethargy.
punk rock. take stock.
time to remove all the locks.
old. fat. weak.
are default adjectives
that line the bed
of the unimaginative.
pedestrian poems
for prosaic people.
you have promised
the world more than this.
if it was the path less traveled by
that had made all the difference-
how did you end up
on the same plodding path
as every other self-loathing
middle-aged schmo?
the potential for the extraordinary
is a choice away
at every turn.
all you have to do is make it.

Unwilling

Some nights I want to sit at this machine, stare at the blank page and create magic. I hope that it will just come pouring out, some kind of inspirational BS that people relate to. Or maybe I just need the space and time to stir myself around with words, so I can settle in for the night and watch the particles settle back down in the still water.


But on some nights, the words demand too much care. Too much attention. There is a level of effort that comes from making sense. Of creating meaning. Of carving out….see? Sometimes the words just don’t come. They are entrenched into the bedrock, unwilling to shine.


Tonight, is one of those nights- the ideas are like swirling dust in a storm. I want to gather them. To capture them and wrap them with syntax, but the conflicting metaphors becoming confusing. The very act of slowing down and writing becomes too tedious a chore and on nights like this, the work is not for anyone to read. Words that are forced seldom become relatable or even readable. But when you make a promise to give it a go every night, then some of them will be duds.


I would love to breath and relax and slow down and do the work, but honestly I just need to watch some Seth Meyers, reconnect with the absurdity of the world, maybe read and get to sleep. I am not jet lagged, but the switching of my million hats has me spinning, to the point where I am not sure where I will land.


…


We had our first Off Tangent Lit magazine meeting today and we had 20+ students show up. We did some introductory exercises and I saw one girl smiling from ear-to-ear and actually pump her fists as we spoke about the purpose of the magazine- to inspire and empower young readers and writers who love words and stories. I am so proud of the community we created last year and this new group feels just as inspirational. The young leaders we trained were back this year and looking focused and learned and determined. There is nothing like student empowerment and passion. We do more teaching in this activity than most of our classes. So glad to be working on something I love with Paula again this year.


…


Been messing with Ghost in You by The Psychedelic Furs, and even though I am basically talking through the song, it feels nice to get my fingers around it.


…


Friday of a three day weekend up ahead and looking forward to some downtime that doesn’t involve killing time in an airport or an airplane.

First Day

That was a pretty good first day. Students seemed happy. Teachers weren’t too flustered and all in all, it couldn’t have gone much better. There were a few hiccups, but that is to be expected. It felt weird not to have my own mentor group and that quality time getting to know kids individually or as a group, but it was also pretty great to roam and problem solve and make sure that teachers had what they needed to have a good day. I ran an assembly that went okay and the day all went by pretty fast.


I might be getting addicted to striking things off To-Do lists. This is definitely a pretty big shift for me, but I can see the future and I think I like it.


As for our own kids, they had a good day. They were very excited about their friends and teachers and raring to go back tomorrow.


I love the feeling of a well spent summer followed by the buzz of being back at school. I know it is only the first Monday in August, but I am so happy and proud to work at our school. A big thank you to all my friends and co-workers for making UWCSEA the amazing place that it is. It is a pleasure to see you all everyday.


Gonna keep this short, because I passed up a free ticket to see Weezer tonight, because I had to do some actual lesson planning for the classes I will teach tomorrow, and I am loving this Krakauker book. I need some time to just get lost in the words, even though they are frustrating and anger inducing as all hell.

A Nice Day

Even though it was not officially summer break, and I had to work, it was a good birthday. I had a nice day with my students. They brought me a cake and sang happy birthday. Friends took me out to play darts and unwind on the penultimate day of school. Thanks Mike, Lee, Scott, Scott, Shawn, Luke.


I received so many great birthday wishes from you all, which made me feel loved and appreciated. I also received two great emails from a student and a parent:


Dear Mr. Raisdana,


As tomorrow, without a doubt will probably be one of the most crazy and emotional days of my life, I want to take this time to thank you for everything you have done for me this year.


As a teacher, something I admire about you is the passion that you approach your job with. As your student, I can fully see that you love your job, and give every day your 110%, something that I try and do as well. From the eyes of an 8th grader, passion is one of the most important teaching tools, sometimes more than any amount of knowledge for a topic.


This passion translates into being such a great teacher in the classroom. You connect with all of us, and this makes us feel very engaged and inspired by you, to change the world through writing and reading.


Thank you for always not being afraid to hand us the reigns, as students, for something that you care so much about. In Off Tangent, I was delighted to take a lead, and this is where I learned so much. Very few teachers trust their students to the extent you do, and, I know this is where the real learning happens.


Thank you for pushing me as a student, giving me tools and allowing me to build the house, you showing me the way the whole time. It has been a great experience, one which I will treasure and learn from as I continue in my life.


So, thank you for everything Mr. Raisdana, and a great year. Have a great summer, and let's be sure to keep in touch!

This is why I do what I do. And now the parent email:


Hi Jabiz,


Happy Birthday! I hope you are having a great day so far.


I would like to say a Big Thank You for a fantastic Grade 8! What a way to end Middle School, it couldn't have been better for xxxxxxxx!

xxxxxxxx has grown so much under your mentorship. It has been a great year for him; a big deal of learning, big growth in maturity and thinking, fun experiences and of course a great connection with you thru music. xxxxxxxx has been very fortunate to have a mentor like you who is extremely passionate about so many things(what touched xxxxxxxx and I was the night you took time to come and watch his gig at the Chinatown pub after a long, tiring day at school). You have been very influential and inspirational to xxxxxxxx in his last year in Middle School.

\xxxxxxxx is looking forward to his journey in High School. He definitely takes with him memories of Grade 8 that will be cherished. We as parents are very happy to be part of the UWCSEA community.

The connection doesn't end here, for I'm sure we will keep reading your daily writing blogspot as well as look out for copy of your book as soon as it is out😊.


Heartfelt thanks again!


Happy Holidays and best wishes!
….

That’s a pretty good day. I love you all very much. Thank you for being here and listening and reading and sharing and liking and keeping me relevant. Forty Two years old and still trucking.

Enough

It can be dangerous to care too much too much of the time. It burns you out and crushes your spirit. If you give 110% to everything you do and empty yourself into the things you love, you’ll be left empty with nothing left to crawl into at the end of the day. You must learn to cherish the possibility of not doing it all, not getting it all right all the time. Entertain the idea of things being enough even when they don’t feel like enough. Revel in and enjoy the close enoughs, as much as the out-of-the-parks.


None of this is meant to be boastful. Passion personified isn’t always worth what you think it is. Sometimes it’s a dud and a dead end. A break down. We’re all doing our best or at least the best we can at any given time.


"I'ma gonna keep on running, cuz a winner don't quit on themselves."

…

“Every promise don’t work out that way.”


I bought Lemonade. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I’ve been reading a lot of posts about it, and to tell the truth I have nothing to say at this time except that it is a moving, thought provoking and honest piece of art, one that I am sure will reveal more and more with every listen and viewing.

…

It’s coming out in spurts tonight- like rabbit pellets of emptiness devoid of substance or meaning.


She was nervous. Enjoy that fear I told her, it can be turned into adrenaline. It never goes away; I still feel like I am going to throw up every time I go on any stage, but there is no feeling like it.


You have practiced right? You are ready right? No matter what you do, don’t stop or say you messed up. Just keep going and no one will know you made a mistake, and even if they do you can make it up by playing longer and better later.


She was poised and patient and nailed it.


I might be living vicariously through Kaia, but I really look forward to her someday singing me songs with her guitar near a fire somewhere, perhaps a beach, under a moon and some stars.


Our kids will be adults someday, but they will always be our friends. We build them up and fill them with hope and love and values and dreams and wish that there is enough room in there for some pieces of ourselves and that we leave the vast spaces that they need to build themselves up.

Grey Would Be The Color If I Had A Heart.

Do you ever think that you are at the tail end of a song or an album. Like every song is directed at you? Imagine that at some point, someone, maybe an ex-boy friend for girl friend is screaming the lyrics of a song at you.

They might be driving on a San Diego highway after a shift valeting cars down at Rainwater and they are so in love with you and they think about you so much more than you think about them and the words are the only thing that keep them sane as they drive home in the darkness of the sinking sun:

Just when everything was making sense.
You took away all my self-confidence.
Now all that I've been hearing must be true.
I guess I'm not the only boy for you.

Can you here it? You are screaming your lungs out. You are alone and the car is loud and the lights are low. You think about about crashing the car into upcoming traffic. Nothing makes sense, but the purity of your love. Older people will scoff at your passion and say you are in a phase, but you know that this is as pure as love will ever get. She sent you a letter saying that maybe she is over you and you scream and slam the steering wheel:

Nothing quite like the feel of something new.
Maybe I'm all messed up.
Maybe I'm all messed up.
Maybe I'm all messed up in you.
Maybe I'm all messed up.
Maybe I'm all messed up.
Maybe I'm all messed up.
Maybe I'm all messed up in you.
Maybe I'm all messed up.
This is the only time I really feel alive.
This is the only time I really feel alive.

Years later, you will hear the same songs and the same words and you will discredit the love you felt, but you will know that never again in your life did you feel love withso this purity. With this intensity.

Wisdom will never trump youth. Security will never surpass love. Peace will never calm rage. You are an electrical current and you will always remember the night when you drove through San Diego banging on that steering wheel so in love and so empty and so broken and ready to tear the world apart-

Nothing quite like the feel of something new.
Maybe I'm all messed up.
Maybe I'm all messed up.
Maybe I'm all messed up in you.
Maybe I'm all messed up.
Maybe I'm all messed up.
Maybe I'm all messed up.
Maybe I'm all messed up in you.
Maybe I'm all messed up.
This is the only time I really feel alive.
This is the only time I really feel alive.

There was a night when I loved you too much. I drove for hours with this album surrounding me and today for some reason, I wanted to hear it and be back there with that emptiness. Your love was still there, but the expectation was real.

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.
This thing is slowly taking me apart.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart.

Anyway….I drove around town today thinking of you and the past and that night and those months and that love and that darkness and that passion and that album. Which was perfect and pure and just what we both needed.

…

I do not know what else to say other than that Pretty Hate Machine is one of the best albums of all time. Put it on now and think about who ever it reminds you of.

So Many Passions

This is what Skyelar says to me this morning as we are brushing her teeth:

I have so many passions:

singing
being a student and learning about things like animals
caring about people and animals
art
and building things.

Thank you Gillian​

…

It’s three twenty pm. I’ve taught three classes today, with one prep which I used to plan a lesson with Paula​. I was on grade 8 pod duty during the first break, and I joined my mentor class to help support Tabitha Global Concern group by participating in their walk for water campaign during lunch time.

But that was earlier in the day, it is now three twenty and I am working with our amazing Off Tangent literary magazine group as we finalise the stories and move them into our design template and get ready to send it all to publishing in a few days. The room is buzzing and exhausted, but we are all functioning and determined to get this thing done.

I have yet to sit down all day.

In walks in Andrea and asks if it is okay for Kaia to stay late today and help MC the Epic Arts dance performance later tonight. “She can stay and rehearse from 4:30-6:00 and then be a part of the show.”

After a quick chat with Mairin we thought that giving Kaia a chance to get up on stage and play an active role as a Service Executive Committee member would be a good idea. But this would mean me going home, changing, getting her some dinner and making my way back to school.

Yes, back to school after the day I just described. (Still no sitting)

After I dropped off her dinner, I ran over to Burp and sucked down two Tofu tacos, some chips and salsa and an ice idol coke. It was a tiny slice of heaven. I got to sit down and breathe.

Back at school and I watched Kaia do a great job getting the show started, and what a show. I had no idea what to expect, but these Epic Arts dancers did an amazing job of teaching history and culture through the medium of dance and art. It was for lack of a better word- epic! Nice to sit chat and catch up with Andrea​, Steven​ and Catherine​.

Made me realise how lucky I am to not only wok in such an amazing school, but that my kids are able to attend it as well. We teachers often complain or whinge about the amount of “work” we have to do and at times it is draining and exhausting but days like today make it worth it.

It is now 9:06 and I am nearly panting as I wait for my glass of wine and a Twix bar I bought from the gas station on my way home.

The work we do is so damn rewarding. I mean, from the second I got to school today, until I got home, I was helping young people understand their roles as readers, writers, activists, peace-lovers and artists. We built empathy as we walked in the rain. We created community as we bonded on our walk. We marvelled at the beauty of life and the finality of death as we held a bag of bird bones in our hands with Jenn​. We learned to find, sort, use and cite evidence to build our arguments to make sure that we have rational and empowered voices as we head into the world. We worked together to create a work of art- editing, designing, and negotiating. We learned to understand history through art and take risks by standing on stages. We clapped for the deaf and wondered how they felt the beat as they spun on stage in their wheelchairs.

We wondered. We marvelled. We built. We learned. We walked. We held. We worked.

And yes, work can be exhausting, but god damn if I would rather be doing anything else. And it is just Tuesday! We are off to Kenya in three days and who knows what we will be doing there.

Thank you to UWCSEA and everyone who makes it such an amazing place. You know who you are.

….

Observations:

• Following your passion is tiring, but the good kind- that leaves you spent and ready for more. 
• For better or for worse my kids are absorbing our values. I think this is for the better. I am so proud of them both. 

1. What do you do that makes you tired, but you wouldn’t trade for the world? 
2. How are your kids making you proud? 

This Kind Of Attention

“How odd I can have all this inside me and to you it’s just words.”
― David Foster Wallace, The Pale King


I always feel inspired and good about the world after I see students kick ass at what they love. I’m a big fan of supporting, not only the students I teach, but also the ones I have taught in the past, when they share their art, music and acting in plays. I should be better about watching them in sports too, but that is another post.

This post is about the feeling of watching kids I’ve spent time with shine in a beautiful performance.

I just got back from the grade nine and ten rendition of Cyrano De Bergerac, and as per usual hats off to Bronwyn​ for another innovative and powerful production. She has a knack for taking theatre seriously and pulling the best out of each actor.

It left me thinking about how important it is to remind ourselves that, as teachers, we see kids at a certain stage of their growth, but those short one or two years we spend with them is just a window into their maturation. They keep growing after they leave us. I loved seeing kids I taught in grade eight grow into such sophisticated and talented people.

Teaching can’t be about the short term. We are working on a much larger scale. We are shaping human beings.

Hopefully the time we spend with kids has a lasting effect beyond the skills they might or might not learn. And if the friendships I have with former students here on Facebook is any indication, it is clear that even one year of English can have lasting effects on people.

Anyway, kids want to know that you are there for them and that you really care. And here is the secret: you have to actually care. You can’t bullshit this kind of attention.

After every performance, I use the names from the program to email every member of the cast that I have taught:

Hello Cast, 

Just a quick note to let you know how amazing you were tonight. I was in awe, not only of your performance, but the dedication, passion and commitment you have clearly shown for this show. 

It's so nice to see you grow up into such talented actors. We miss you in the middle school, but clearly you have matured and are becoming the people you are meant to be. 

I feel proud and privileged to have worked with you in some capacity during your time as a middle schooler.

Can't wait to see what you do next. 

…

That moment when there is a glitch in your tech and the app won’t work and it freezes and even crashes your phone, but you try it five more times, thinking, “This time it has to work.” But it doesn’t and so you give up and feel shitty and then you try one more time. Still nothing. You feel worse than before and the app still doesn’t work, but for some reason the next day it works fine.

…

Right before
I think, “This is the last thing in the world I want to do right now.”
In the beginning it feels better. Feels okay.
Fifteen minutes in, it feels terrible and I just want it to stop.

I persist
yelling at myself in my head.
I heap on the abuse.

I ignore that voice and focus on my breath and the low hanging dense clouds, the ships off the coast and the small child learning balance on his scooter.

I lose myself in thoughts of chapters and failures and half attempts and near misses, on the value of goals and data

A few more steps,
a few more minutes.
Just don’t stop yet.

Afterwards, hot, sweaty, tired,
I feel grateful.

…

Lessons Learned:

• Kids are awesome. When they are awesome, it’s important that you’re there to see it and when you do, it’s important you tell them. 
• There are glitchy gremlins in your tech and they need to find their way out. 
• Running will always suck before and during, but pays off in the after. 

1. How do you support the people you love? 
2. What drive you crazy about technology? 
3. What do you hate doing, but enjoy when it’s done?