272/365

sometimes, even when
you’re being truthful and sincere,
ripping your heart out
and stamping it with the language
of honesty and your authentic self,
with your intentions and purpose,
waving in front of you like a flag
or a gift,
or a gentle offering,
they still sit in a corner, nervous
and untrusting, because they have
been excluded and hurt too many times.
trust does not care about your intentions
or your words. trust does not believe
your performative alley-ship. trust demands
to see what you are willing to sacrifice and give up.
trust wants to watch you give up advantages
you’ve been rewarded by privilege.
trust knows you have the option to opt out when things
get hard. tiring. just too much. trust wants to see
you stick with it year-after-year: a life time and then,
maybe, trust will come and join you. in the meantime,
stop with the poems and the gestures.
amplify the silenced voices
open the doors to the tables
you have been afforded access.
if the system trusts you
then most likely the marginalised will not.

269/365

who is we
who are you
who is us
who am i
who are they
what is ours
what is yours
what is theirs-
who decides?
we are they
they are us
i am you
you are me.
hidden. revealed
oppressed. oppressor.
intersectional identities
tangled in politics
and systems of domination.

you and me
and them and us
deserve to be our full selves
in freedom and authenticity.
liberated and healed.

266/365

i grabbed the book he gave me
looking for wisdom.
flipping and sniffing the pages
like i always do to get a whiff of the tree spirit
lodged in the thin pages. olfactory triggers:
choose your own adventure books and mad magazine.
our roots are mired in the strangest of places.

the distance between vision and reality
obfuscated by the distractions they’ve trained
us to believe necessary.

i’m sitting with the weight of ceremony,
forgotten how to re-enage with the vehicle
of belonging. allowing the pace and pressure
of their systems dictate how we connect,
how we communicate. how we might live
near each other when so far apart.  

she told me that the content is in the people
when i asked how not to choke
on what i have bitten off.
is there an answer you need answered?
i shook my head, unsure how to respond.

what are ceremonies that magnify life?
how do i turn attention to intention?
how do i release myself
from the dominant culture’s clutches?
how do i unlearn hurrying,
celebrate joy?
where might i feel indigenous?

i have always been awash in longing-
what kind of leader does that make me?

264/365

i’m tired of saying this is complex,
that its a long journey, that we need
to meet people where they are, that systems
are tough to change and that politics abound.

i’m tired of only saying i hear you and value you,
with no action or change, filling pockets with empty promises.
of constantly redirecting intent back to impact, of allowing
people to suffer while in harms way. designing
curricula to raise awareness about privilege,
building a lexicon to name white supremacy,
feeling the need to lessen the weight of that word,
for fear of alienating the fragile who think those words
are just a step too far.

i’m tired of begging you to hold yourself accountable,
of demanding apologies and waiting for you to do better.
of managing your emotions and worrying about your guilt, shame and anger,  
at the expense of other people’s humanity,
especially when you are privileged. at the center. dominant.

i’m tired and i don’t have to much lose.
i am privileged
in nearly every area
that’s measurable:
male
white passing
cisgendered
straight
able bodied
english speaking
upper middle class.

i’m tired and i just started this work.
imagine the exhaustion of those who have been
doing working for justice their entire lives.
imagine the exhaustion of those for whom
this is not work or a professional development certificate.  
imagine the exhaustion of people who need systems to change
so they can breathe.

but here i am again centering
my experience,
my feelings,
my life,
again.
just like i’ve been taught to do,
my entire life.

exhaustion means nothing
in the face of the journey ahead.

262/365

no amount of frustration
fatigue, discomfort, ego-bruising,
self-reflective suspicion of performative
understanding, misguided saviourism,
wanting to be a good guy, needing to learn
it all, perceptible privilege pandering, fragility,
white guilt, internalised oppression,
feeling uninspired, overlooked, unwanted,
redundant, harmful, or oppressive-

will ever compare to lived experiences
of the authentically marginalised.
unable to live their true selves
decentered and excluded.

there is no inclusion
in systems built for exclusion.
there is no equity
in systems built for exploitation.
those of us who benefit from
these systems must recognise
and name our motives:
self-interest.
altruism
or justice.

the reflection in the mirror
isn’t always what we expect to see,
but we better keep looking
long and hard at what ever looks back.