I am not proud of my behavior, but it has been partly beyond my control. We often react to our lives in ways that are incomprehensible to ourselves. My wife and I were arguing this morning in the car. She asked me to stop being so grumpy and get out of my funk. I am tired of being in Doha. It is hot and the sky is filled with a ten-day-old sand storm. I haven’t seen the sun in just as long, and I yearn for the days when it was simply hot and stifling. It is hard not to be grumpy.
I try not to be so selfish. I see the laborers on the side of the road working themselves to near death for little to no money as I drive by in my air-conditioned car. I make myself sick. I hate Doha more for the guilt it inflicts on me. It is a vicious cycle. But really, my time here has got to be a test. I do not want to be the kind of person whose happiness is determined by his environment. I want to be able to wake up and see the sky filled with sand and smile. I want to walk the streets feeling the 120-degree heat and bask in it. I want to delve into the freedom of boredom and come out refreshed and lighter.
These are not easy tasks to accomplish. Our egos demand more attention than we may want to give them. I am writing this post as an apology to my wife for being in a constant state of funk. We have an amazing summer ahead of us, and we are lucky enough to be careless and free- even here for the next eight days. We have our four-year anniversary to celebrate, as well as day-after-day of relaxing and spending time as a family. Who cares if the weather is not perfect? Who cares if there is nothing to do? Who cares about anything? We are alive and free to do what we like.
In closing, I received the following email that put things in perceptive:
Dear Intrepid Flame,
Thank you for your writing. I have no idea who you are or where you came from, but somehow I stumbled upon your blog several months ago and fell in love with your words - your wisdom. I couldn't go to sleep tonight without letting you know that - for what it's worth :)
No, I'm not a stalker or flatterer or a maniac at that. Just another intrepid explorer sharing her thoughts. Hope this finds you well and I wish you and your loved ones all the best.
Thank you Sama. It is funny, when I started this blog I wanted to have a huge following and connect with thousands of people, but since then I have learned that I write more for my own sanity. Having said that, it is always reassuring when someone out there in the universe hears my voice and makes the connection. I am glad you find my ramblings wise, because I simply see my words and thoughts as they are: life. We all connect to it in our own way, it is reaffirming when we connect in the same way.