October 26, 2010

I am myself, like you somehow...

A simple rippling D chord trickles form the silence unraveling a scene drenched in afternoon rain. A hint of sun entangled in the sun shines on a majestic baritone voice drifting down an endless river. Careening, cascading, carrying all the pent up, discarded emotional detritus from the depths of our dysfunction, and releasing it into the vastness of an ocean that maybe or may not exist beyond the horizon.  At times barely moving, at others awash in white water, the song Release by Pearl Jam is the indictment through absolution at once. It is resolution through rebirth. It is salvation, recovery, and acceptance. It is victory though surrender. It is potency through vulnerability. It is the period at the end of the sentence that is Ten. After the tumultuous ride of the album, Release is the deliverance. 

But more than that it is a song about making amends, in particular with a father, and more exact than that, I see it as a song of atonement with my father. Throughout my life I have harbored a lot of resentment and toxic emotions about my dad. I have aired some of those thoughts here on my blog, and I may have inadvertently, and sometimes more consciously expressed my animosity to him directly. Well, I want to use this time, this place to say I am sorry.

I want to fold onto myself, inhale every once of oxygen made available to me and bellow from the bottom of my soul for the whole world to hear:
Oh, dear dad, can you see me now
I am myself, like you somehow
I'll ride the wave, where it takes meeeeeeeee...
I'll hold the pain, release me...

Dear Dad,

I no longer blame you for anything in my life. Instead I want to thank you. I see every part of you in the best parts of me. It sometimes feels like I see the world through our shared mind. I have spent so much time focusing on why or how I was broken, carrying around guilt and looking for fault, that I have forgotten the strength and passion you have given me.

I love you and this song is for you.

Jabiz

As always the past:



and the present:

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2 comments:

  1. onepercentyellow8:18 PM

    Beautiful.
    Living With (suffering) NEGOTIATING *hidingfrom* my own father issues, it's always hopeful to see someone step out from behind that burning bush of leftover expectations of what we were and weren't supposed to get from our parents.
    I'm not there yet, but at least have found space in myself to see what seeds my dad planted in my garden: adventure, trust in the greatness of humankind, the ability to look past the book cover, love for strangers.

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  2. Unknown6:29 PM

    There is no definitive manual on parenting and dare I say teaching. We can all easily muck that bit up with our own fears, anxieties and at times with our own egos and sense of self worth and being.

    The beauty for the evolving, learning child is then being given the chance of seeing the world from an adult perspective and saying, okay I get 'it' or 'you' now.

    The gift you've had is getting the opportunity to express that and where you felt necessary to say a simple word called 'sorry'....

    Love, compassion and forgiveness are the three biggest things we need to conquer so many of our fears and anxieties but often they only come with time and more often a little too late for those we realise we loved so.

    Be glad you've been given that chance, I'm sure your Dad is very proud of you.

    Karen x

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