Both Kaia and Skyelar have been doing an hour of Fastbreak basketball every Saturday, and I won’t lie, it’s great to watch them develop their skills in such a short time. Skyelar sank four baskets in a row today and her smile was worth a million bucks. They’re learning how to handle the ball, dribble, shoot, pass, and finish lay-ups. It’s a non-competitive skills building thing so no real games, and that is perfect for where they are in their development.
Today, however, there was a bit of friendly competition for the older squad, when the coach divided them up into a group of five and seven and had a shoot-off. Each team stood in a line at separate hoops and the first team to sink ten shots won. Pretty straight forward. Now here is where it got interesting. She split them up between girls and boys, and yup, you guessed it- the girls had the smaller team. After some initial griping about the unfairness of having fewer players, they got down to business.
The girls won the first game 10-7. They were on fire. All business. They won the second game 10-8. Still not a word. No fists being pumped. Not even a smile, Just focus and “swish.” The third game they won 10-6. Keep in mind that each game was a different look at the rim. Then on the fourth game the boys won, and that is when I learned an important lesson about gender and the patriarchy.
As soon as they won, the boys erupted into cheers, hi-fives, hoots and hollers and a bit of smack talk. They had just gotten smoked three games in a row by a smaller team and as soon as they won 10-9 mind you, they acted as if they had won the NBA finals. I was shocked, but not really because it totally made sense.
This is how we do- us men. It’s all about the boast, the confidence, the brash alpha strut. It must be in our DNA. It has to be. Look at these little dudes today who felt the need to supplement their skills with bravado, even when it was clear they were being out played.
As men we are so often blind to the effect this kind of privileged assurance must have on women who do not always interact with the world this way. We men compensate for so much, by just pretending and bragging and acting as if we can do whatever it is that needs to be done. But as a dad, who wants my girls to just be themselves, and as a teacher who wants my students to have a fair shot at everything the world has to offer, I can’t help but notice how bone-numbingly frustrating it must be to be a little girl or a grown woman and have to live in a world where not only are you told that you are not good enough, but then to actually see that not only ARE you good enough, you are actually better than the people telling you to doubt yourself, and when you prove yourself you are met with silence, and when you trip up, even a tiny bit, you are reminded that you are not good enough again. And if you choose to speak up about it and vent your anger about the injustice of this double standard, you are branded as an uppity bitch or an overly emotional woman. That's a tough pill to swallow.
I would be a very angry woman.
Even though the girls had won three games in a row, as soon as the boys won one that first game and starting strutting around, you could see the girls become demoralized in their body language. Their slouches seemed to say, “I guess the boys are better. Like they say they are.” I wanted to jump up and yell bullshit, but I didn’t.
The fifth game was under way, and the cocky boys were playing sloppily and the girls we sinking shots. They won 10-7 and a few tiny fists were pumped. A smile was cracked here and there, but nothing else. The girls were all business and ready for the next drill. The boys made a few excuses and acted as if they won. Typical.
Raising and teaching girls has taught me more about being a man than anything else in my life. It’s a tough ride out there for women. They are not just being emotional or over reacting. I could feel that frustration just watching these nine year olds play basketball. There is a distinct difference between where boys and girls find confidence and build self-esteem. Boys gobble up it up undeserved, because they are the benefactors of a long maintained patriarchy, while girls have to fight for it every chance they get and even when they get a taste of confidence, they have to hold on tight, because there is some boy waiting to tell them that they haven’t earned it.
Final, note I was reminded that while parenting, teaching and talking with girls is super important, it is just as important that we have similar conversations with our boys about earned confidence and how to be humble and kind and empathetic. The future of our world depends on it.
….
I can do this. I will do this. I will do this. I can do this. I won’t stop. I won’t stop. I will do this. I will do this. I will do this. I will do this. I won’t stop. I will do this. I will do this. I will do this. I will do this. I can do this. I will do this. I can do this. I will do this. I won’t stop. I won’t stop. I won’t stop. I won’t stop. I will do this. I will do this. I will do this. I won’t stop. I will do this. I will do this. I will do this. I won’t stop. I will do this. I will do this. I will do this. I won’t stop. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I won’t stop. I will do this.
Murakami mentioned that he has a mantra when he runs. I played around with this one for a few kilometres today. It was fun and effective until it wasn’t. Shuffled my way through a pretty effortless 10km today. Could have kept going but I was late for a movie date with Mairin.
Today, however, there was a bit of friendly competition for the older squad, when the coach divided them up into a group of five and seven and had a shoot-off. Each team stood in a line at separate hoops and the first team to sink ten shots won. Pretty straight forward. Now here is where it got interesting. She split them up between girls and boys, and yup, you guessed it- the girls had the smaller team. After some initial griping about the unfairness of having fewer players, they got down to business.
The girls won the first game 10-7. They were on fire. All business. They won the second game 10-8. Still not a word. No fists being pumped. Not even a smile, Just focus and “swish.” The third game they won 10-6. Keep in mind that each game was a different look at the rim. Then on the fourth game the boys won, and that is when I learned an important lesson about gender and the patriarchy.
As soon as they won, the boys erupted into cheers, hi-fives, hoots and hollers and a bit of smack talk. They had just gotten smoked three games in a row by a smaller team and as soon as they won 10-9 mind you, they acted as if they had won the NBA finals. I was shocked, but not really because it totally made sense.
This is how we do- us men. It’s all about the boast, the confidence, the brash alpha strut. It must be in our DNA. It has to be. Look at these little dudes today who felt the need to supplement their skills with bravado, even when it was clear they were being out played.
As men we are so often blind to the effect this kind of privileged assurance must have on women who do not always interact with the world this way. We men compensate for so much, by just pretending and bragging and acting as if we can do whatever it is that needs to be done. But as a dad, who wants my girls to just be themselves, and as a teacher who wants my students to have a fair shot at everything the world has to offer, I can’t help but notice how bone-numbingly frustrating it must be to be a little girl or a grown woman and have to live in a world where not only are you told that you are not good enough, but then to actually see that not only ARE you good enough, you are actually better than the people telling you to doubt yourself, and when you prove yourself you are met with silence, and when you trip up, even a tiny bit, you are reminded that you are not good enough again. And if you choose to speak up about it and vent your anger about the injustice of this double standard, you are branded as an uppity bitch or an overly emotional woman. That's a tough pill to swallow.
I would be a very angry woman.
Even though the girls had won three games in a row, as soon as the boys won one that first game and starting strutting around, you could see the girls become demoralized in their body language. Their slouches seemed to say, “I guess the boys are better. Like they say they are.” I wanted to jump up and yell bullshit, but I didn’t.
The fifth game was under way, and the cocky boys were playing sloppily and the girls we sinking shots. They won 10-7 and a few tiny fists were pumped. A smile was cracked here and there, but nothing else. The girls were all business and ready for the next drill. The boys made a few excuses and acted as if they won. Typical.
Raising and teaching girls has taught me more about being a man than anything else in my life. It’s a tough ride out there for women. They are not just being emotional or over reacting. I could feel that frustration just watching these nine year olds play basketball. There is a distinct difference between where boys and girls find confidence and build self-esteem. Boys gobble up it up undeserved, because they are the benefactors of a long maintained patriarchy, while girls have to fight for it every chance they get and even when they get a taste of confidence, they have to hold on tight, because there is some boy waiting to tell them that they haven’t earned it.
Final, note I was reminded that while parenting, teaching and talking with girls is super important, it is just as important that we have similar conversations with our boys about earned confidence and how to be humble and kind and empathetic. The future of our world depends on it.
….
I can do this. I will do this. I will do this. I can do this. I won’t stop. I won’t stop. I will do this. I will do this. I will do this. I will do this. I won’t stop. I will do this. I will do this. I will do this. I will do this. I can do this. I will do this. I can do this. I will do this. I won’t stop. I won’t stop. I won’t stop. I won’t stop. I will do this. I will do this. I will do this. I won’t stop. I will do this. I will do this. I will do this. I won’t stop. I will do this. I will do this. I will do this. I won’t stop. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I won’t stop. I will do this.
Murakami mentioned that he has a mantra when he runs. I played around with this one for a few kilometres today. It was fun and effective until it wasn’t. Shuffled my way through a pretty effortless 10km today. Could have kept going but I was late for a movie date with Mairin.
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