What Boys Want

A few minutes before bedtime. The room is dim and cozy and warm. I am sitting on the edge of the bed in my “tuck-in” position and ready for the goodnight kiss. She has been reading the book about Boys again, and as we finish our day’s end chat she asks, “Daddy? What do boys look for in a girl?”


I was a bit taken aback and unsure of how to respond on the spot. I stammered some incoherent gibberish and proceeded to “tuck-in”, kiss, and move out of the room. This was last night and I have had all day to think about my response. I am pretty excited that she is now old enough that I can simply email her my response.


Dear Kaia,


Last night you asked me, “What boys look for in girls?” And to be honest I was a bit taken back. You are growing-up so fast that I’m having a hard time keeping up with the new issues you are facing everyday. Coming up with thoughtful answers on the spot is proving to be difficult. Before I give you my response in this note, let me say how happy I am that you feel like you can talk to me about these new feelings and I hope there never comes a day when you don’t want to talk to me or ask me these questions. I might not always have the right answer or give you the answer you want, but I will always think deeply about your questions and give you the most honest answer I can. So what do boys what from girls huh? Let’s see:


The first thing we have to remember is that we cannot or should not lump all boys together or all girls together. We are all individual human beings regardless of our gender and realistically different boys want different things from different girls. And remember that sometimes boys are not looking for anything from girls, because they might like boys and girls might like girls. I understand the heart of your questions, so I will try and answer in a generic way. I will think back to what I looked for in girls when I was young. I will tap into my thoughts about the topic as an adult, and I will share with you some of the observations I have made while teaching for the last fifteen years.


First and foremost what boys look for in a girl is a friend. They want someone who makes them feel comfortable and safe. They want to be loved, accepted and appreciated, but more importantly boys want girls who are confident and comfortable with who they are. Or at least open to the idea that they are growing and changing and exploring who they can be. Boys are looking for girls who do not act differently depending on who is around. Boys want girls they can trust enough so they can be themselves. Boys want girls who they can cry around, o they don't always have to act so tough.


Boys are looking for girls who have a diverse range of interests. They want girls who can play sports and love science and skateboard and dance and play in the mud and dress up like a pop stars. They don’t care too much about how a girl looks or if she is pretty as long as she is comfortable with who she is. Boys look for girls who are powerful and brave, but also girls who can also ask for help and say “I don’t know.”


Boys are looking for girls who are smart and like to read and watch movies- from Frozen to X-Men. They want girls who are not hung up on girl things or boy things, but focus more on fun things and exciting things. Boys are looking for girls who are passionate and enthusiastic. They want girls who are kind and funny. Girls who listen and offer good advice without being controlling. Boys want girls who aren’t trying to change them, but accept them for who they are.


Boys are looking for girls who understand that being a boy can be scary and confusing. That want girls who understand that boys are also insecure and unsure of what to say and when to say it. That sometimes boy will think about a phone call or a message for hours, tying to work up the courage to make contact, to say “I like you. Do you like me?”


Boys are looking for girls who understand that they are terrified of rejection and this fear makes them act in silly, sometimes hurtful ways. Boys are looking for girls who are patient and girls who understand that boys mature at a slower rate and so they are often a few steps behind when it comes to dealing with emotions, understanding their bodies, knowing how to be kind or loving.


Boys are looking of girls who can teach them how to be better boys, by allowing them to be whoever they need to be. Boys are looking for girls who will remind them about boundaries about their bodies. Who will not let boys be boys. Boys want girls who are not impressed by boys who say mean things to show that they like you. Boys want girls who will not allow boys to hit them or act rough as a way of flirting.


But the problem is that different boys may be looking for different things, so it might not be the best idea to always worry about what a boy might be looking for in you. Because if that is what you are too worried about, you will always feel like you are not enough or the right girl for the right boy.


The trick is to be true to yourself. Find your voice, your passion, your heart and live your life in a way that makes you feel safe and happy and strong. Be kind and open and helpful and a good friend to lots of different people, without trying to be what others need you to be.


If you can stay true to your own nature and explore your own heart and mind and be brave and take risks and find a way to love yourself for everything you are and be kind to yourself for all the things you are not, then you will be your true self. This will not always be easy. There will be times when you feel scared and alone and unworthy You may think that you need a boy or someone else to make you feel better about yourself, but if you tend the fire in your heart it will help come out of the cold times.


At which point there will many boys drawn to your light and many girls too. Because what we are all looking for, young and old, boys and girls, are people who feed our souls and inspire us to be the best people we can be.


It may feel like a lot of pressure being this beacon of light, but it is not that complicated. Just be honest. Be kind. Be patient. Be the kind of friend you would want and treat people with love. There will be times these actions will be hard and you will be tested, but you have your whole life to get it right. I am so proud of the young woman you are becoming and I hope that this advice will be useful.


I'm sorry I had to send this in an email, but your daddy is a writer and sometimes it is easier to shape the words into something like this. Good thing that you are a reader and a writer too. I can't wait to see your responses as you get older.