August 9, 2016

Terror and Wonder

A Day In Four Acts

Act I

Swallowed my doubt and anxiety and took Tricia's advice to just think of my meetings like the many workshops I have led, and to see my team like the many teachers I have taught throughout the years in various roles.

I headed into school and got to thinking and planning and building a meeting. Not sure if I will get to everything or if I am making too big a deal about this, but I want to try and make at least a few of my meetings like workshops and experiences. There is nothing more precious to a teacher than time, so if we are going to decide to meet then that time should be spent feeling something, learning something or making some sound and necessary decisions.

I have sat through my share of uninspired meetings, and while I know that you cannot please everyone, or that not every meeting should be life-changing, it is important to try different things that will make the participants feel valued and appreciated. You want people to look forward to your meetings, so that even when they are feeling frantic or tired, they still come energized and ready to work and move toward whatever goal you had set at the start.

I’m still not sure how this will all go, but I am pretty excited to be trying it and learning from my mistakes. After four years at UWCSEA it is time for me to shake things up and I am feeling pretty great about the next few days, weeks, and the year as a whole.

Act II

I got some terrible news about someone I love who is in a lot of pain and suffering greatly. This is not my story to tell, so I will not share many details. But it was hard to hear the news, because it reminded me how powerless we are to help the people we love when they are in pain. The next few days will be touch and go and this news will weigh heavy on everything I do, but it has reminded me how important it is not to sweat the small stuff.

When all is said and done, so many of our trivial worries and issues are meaningless. When you look at life as a whole, and really ponder things like our purpose here, the meaning of our lives, the relationships that we build and the love that we share, nothing else should matter.

Today was a dark one as my mind flickered back and forth from the reality of my job and the work I love to do and the thoughts of this person.

I don't know how to feel.


After I got home from work and settled in a bit, Mairin asked if I could go to the store and grab a few things we had forgotten. Seeing that I am sick of driving and have done little exercise all summer, I decided to take my skateboard. I strapped on the headphones and made my way along the sidewalks.

Seeing that I was feeling a bit down all day, I thought about the music that makes me feel young and alive and the first band that came to mind was Jane’s Addiction. I hit play on Three Days and cruised to the store. Careful not to crash or hit a curb, I am still not a competent skater, I am feeling more comfortable on the board. Bend your knees. Lean forward. That’s it. Relax.

Act IV

Nothing. Numb. Watched some TV with the girls while Mairin unpacked and made dinner. I felt guilty again for not helping out, but I couldn’t bring myself to do anything. I must make an effort to insist on doing more of my share around the house.

I am in Skye’s room waiting for her to sleep and the night is quiet and young. I have little imagination for its possibilities. Perhaps some reading, a beer, TV and a yearning back to the dream I had last night- a bizarre Fellini inspired wonderland that had me terrified and laughing at every turn.

It’s hard to believe that we are all filled with such terror and wonder. We put on the cloths, brush the teeth, comb the hair, become the professionals, do the jobs, maintain society, but inside? Inside, there is so much more.

All of us with wings.
All of us with wings.
All of us with wings…

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