August 23, 2016

Toenails and the Honey Sky

I just clipped my toenails and noticed that my feet are scaly and dry. At this stage in my life, I don’t really care what my feet look like, but sometimes I am embarrassed when I’m sitting next to someone whilst wearing flip-flops, and I place my foot on my knee. I put my foot back down, under the table. What if they judge my gross, dry old man feet? Insecurities linger and pop-up at the least expected times. The toe that fell off a few months ago is tender again, but the bruising is gone.

I ran today after school. Eight kilometres that were hard earned. The air was thick with honey. A golden hue sticky with a thick blanket of humidity. My mind was like a spinning coin- full, empty, full, empty. It was not fun, but necessary.

Remember the summer? tans, beards, beers and trees. It all seems to far away now, but the clouds were thick and pink with the “cold comfort of the in between.”

Random thoughts:

Even the tiniest vessel filled with love and true passion will always be better than vats of your apathetic mediocrity. Really trying to do the small things well. Focusing in on the details and pouring my heart into them. At the moment, my life seems to only include loss and work, but this to shall pass; I am embracing these moments.

You hope that the memories you have of the people you love are enough to maintain you long after they're gone. It's too sad to think you could lose them twice. What if their memories fade paler and paler with the passing day? What if you want the memories at the forefront? What if you need the tears to remind you of the love?

There is little more to say tonight. The poetry is buried too deep. Perhaps beneath the toenail clippings and behind the honey sky. The wanting is so huge, but the target so ambiguous. Sitting in the emptiness, it’s impossible to know with what to fill the void. Songs? Wine? Silence?

Kaia has had trouble sleeping for a few nights and I have been a bit curt with her to deal with it and go to sleep. She seems to be scared of something she can’t name. Maybe we both need to be held to make it through. So no more words. No more work. I need to make sure that my baby feels safe.

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