November 9, 2016

Like Noise Tonight

I feel like noise tonight.
Useless and grating.
A white scratching hum,
invisible and senseless,
yet flashing between static

The only thing that brings me to this blank page, and the timeless battle with words, is my faith that they will somehow set me free.

I feel like I have had the wind knocked out of me. A surprise cheap sucker punch from a bully, I should have known better than to turn my back on. I am not sure if this low whisper, this whimpering, this noise I am producing will be helpful to any one, but I need it's slow release.

I have bee reading various accounts laying blame, promising resistance, analyzing and re-analyzing how we got here. I can’t bring myself to watch any live footage of his face. I can’t bare the thought of four years of watching him “lead.”

There is no direction to this confusion. I am bundle of chaos assaulted by every emotion- rage, fear, dread, hate, shame. Everyone but hope.

I wanted to write a letter to my kids or my students, but I didn’t know what to write.
I wanted to write an analysis piece about how liberals don’t understand rural America.
I wanted to write about how the death of the American left has been a long time coming, and how the capitulation to global corporartism forced us to have faith in a false process.
I wanted to write about how America is not better than this. This is a nation built on genocide and slavery. Imperialism and Jim Crowe.
I wanted to write about how we need to fight and read our Zinn and have faith in the ongoing struggle for justice.

But I feel like noise tonight. I want to be hopeful, but I need to grieve. I want to inspire, but I need to process.

I just can’t. I just can’t.
Not tonight.

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