November 16, 2016

This Way

I’m not eating well; my addiction to the McDonald’s Mc Crunch knows no bounds. I am back to eating Indian everyday instead of salads. I can barely remember the last time I ran and cannot remember the last time I enjoyed it. I have a half-marathon coming up and at this point I might just walk the whole thing in some weird pre-dawn act of cleansing and meditation.

I haven’t read any YA and have been taking forever to read Here I Am, the latest novel, by Jonathan Safron Foer. I can’t stop reading articles and tweets about the Trump transition team and the circus that surrounds it. I am a political junkie and while I thought things wold ease up after November 8th, I am now realizing I need a more sustainable plan for how I will handle the next four years. I cannot spend this much energy on anger and frustration.

I am not parenting well. Not spending quality time with my kids. Not talking to them deeply or listening closely. I am there but distracted. I haven't been the best friend. Beyond shouting my daily rants, I haven’t touched based or written long personal emails to friends who matter. My teaching feels mediocre and I don’t feel 100% connected or present- in the planning or delivery of my work.

I’m barely playing guitar, beyond a few strums in the morning, and I haven’t done an open mic all year. There aren’t a batch of songs that I am trying to master. The chords feel shrill and discordant. My voice shallow and off key.

I lack confidence in how I look, feel and walk. I feel like I am wearing a thin mask which only reveals my insecurities and frustration with my mood. The days are running into weeks and months.

I have been eating many many baked goods and donuts and barely register vegan guilt as I do. I have made it okay to “cheat” here and there and then there and there again and again. I eat chocolate and have forgotten where I put my soapbox.

I haven’t been paying enough attention to my wife. Asking her how she is. Offering to help out. Giving her gentle kisses or nudges or any indication that I care about anything but myself.

I have been selfish and self-loathing to a point of delirium.

I am not sure where or how this downward spiral began, but I look forward to crawling out of it soon. I have set January 1st for some hard changes. I know I should start now, but I am allowing myself the luxury wallowing for a few more weeks.

It’s Wednesday after a 13 hour day, sandwiched between two working weekends in November and all is as it should be. I can’t imagine too many teachers who aren’t feeling this way.

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