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i signed up to play football to be popular,
it was the final chapter of my assimilation story,
eighty nine pound immigrant misfit lays it all
out on the gridiron. will he finally get the girl?

tired of being invisible to the people
i assumed mattered in middle school,
i signed up for the freshman team
in may of eighth grade.

dressing up in costumes
and being voted most spirited,
running for student council,
wearing different coloured chuck all-stars
and my dad’s sweaters to school
wasn’t have the desired effect.
long stretches of time home alone
trying on lipstick, listing to the cure,
wasn’t what the cools kids seemed to
be doing on american television:

football.
that was
the way
to go.

problem was i’d never played before;
no pop warner, no little league, no teams.
i didn’t know a tight end from a defensive one.
sure i’d see a few raider games, due to
avuncular indoctrination,
but never worn pads, or a helmet,
didn’t understand things like:
three technique, cornerback,
a-gap, blitz,
interception.

we met as the dawgs for the first time
that summer before high school,
meticulously scouring the to buy list:
cleats (bought the wrongs ones, the cools were black nike high tops)
practice jersey, socks, mouthguard (mint and molded to my teeth)

everyone i ever wanted to be was in that locker room,
posturing as if they belonged there. it was their birthright.
they were just as shocked to see me there
as i was at being there.
this testosterone saturated squad pecking for position,
flexing, verbal jousting, seeking out the other
to attack and vanquish.  

you wanna be here
be tough
you wanna be tough
be here

my mantra
quelling my nerves
awkwardly lacing up my pads
(chose the wrong size and brand from the bin)
and helmet
(no way this was meant to fit like this and protect me)
adjusting the knee and thigh pads
(why do mine looks so big and my legs so small?)

there was a language and culture so familiar
to everyone, but me.

i signed up to play football to be popular,
but three years on that team
taught me so much more about what
it means to be a man.

to be continued…