Even I Don’t Care What I Think Anymore

I think I may finally be running out of things to say, or maybe I am just running out of the energy to write them. Sure, I spend my nights, before I fall asleep, thinking about topics to write about, but not one of these issues seems to be relevant or important enough when I actually sit down and hit the keys. Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe I am going through a nihilistic phase. Maybe the anger and angst that I have been carrying around for so long are finally dissipating. Maybe I will come out of it with a more peaceful outlook on my world. I think politics may have finally drained me to the point of apathy. I simply cannot continue at the pace I have set. Everyday I read the news, I feel like I have gotten my ass mentally kicked.

Don’t get me wrong; I just read the letter from Ahmadinejad to Bush and was entertained by the blatantly political game they are playing, but these days, I am taking my dad’s advice and realizing this is all just a big game, and I can’t afford to tie myself to these emotional crosses.

My energies are better spent elsewhere. I have been obsessed with my classroom and teaching. We have been talking about mercy and revenge as we read The Tempest. The other night, I took advantage of promises I had made to myself as a child, and I made pancakes for dinner and had apple pie for dessert. I have been listening to nothing but the new Pearl Jam CD since it came out last week, (There is a Pearl Jam blog coming. But again the nihilism is strong. Do I need to sit here and write about how great the new album is, or how great of a band they are? Who gives a fuck? What I think. Why can’t I simply sit here and blast their shit, all by myself, and let that be enough. I am tired of carrying my opinions. They have become too cumbersome. I am allowing myself to be free of them. Even I don’t care what I think anymore.)

I can feel myself coming out of this metamorphosis with a new direction. I want to be more proactively helpful with what I write. I want to offer solutions and not simply point out problems. I want to start creating a world based on inspiration and hope, not one based on jaded, cynical, political defeats. In the mean time, the small pile of baby stuff is getting bigger, and the days are going by so fast I can’t keep track. Maybe my upcoming fatherhood is making me soft. (I hope so) I am learning how to play the Bob Marley song, Kaya. I close my eyes as I sing, and I see her dancing, clapping and singing with me. It is summer and the room is filled with sunlight.

I feel so good in my neighborhood, so
Here I come again
Got to have Kaya now…

She giggles as she hears her name. I put the guitar down. We hug.