I just got back from a school party. I am always in a contemplative mood after one of these affairs. I am not sure who I am meant to be when I socialize. Since I was a teenager, I have never really felt like I belong to large groups. I smile; I make the small talk, crack the stupid jokes and leave before people get too drunk. When I was drinking it was easy, because I would drink until everything went black and could careless what anybody said or what I did.
These days the parties are much more tame and the nights much shorter. A good friend of mine asked me, “I have been trying to keep up with your blog, but man, you are cranking them out. How do you find time?”
I have been thinking about his comment all night. I guess I feel much more safe on these pages. My hermitlike behavior could be considered anti-social, but I feel it is through my prose that I can best be myself. These words are the flag that I wave on my own terms.
When I do I find the time? I guess the answer to that question is that I make it. It is a priority for me to sort through my thoughts and emotions. I scribe them to help make sense of my reality. I have given up on trying to find an audience, but it always feels good to know that someone finds these ramblings helpful and/or meaningful. I feel I have no choice. Sitting in my kitchen listening to music, what else can I do but tap the keys and hope for one line of magic? It is all I have ever wanted, that one line that connects to someone and forces them to nod their head and smile, and whisper to themselves that they understand. I will take that connection over small talk any day.
I may not be able to carry a decent conversation, wait I take that back; I may not be able to make small talk, but I am more than happy to meet you here in my prose.
i hate social situations- as i suspect many do- simply because they are so contrived. yes, we dress up and go because 'we have to', it's our duty, yah yah- trust me- my husband is manager of his office now. i have a certain role. i go when i have to and i mostly keep my mouth shut. i don't do small talk. if someone approaches me, we have a real conversation- needless to say, i try to keep a low profile. that's the last thing most people want- something real in an artificial world. cynical? yep. i deliberately limit myself to interacting with people simply for my own sanity. i have never really belonged anywhere. the people i met at school and then in the workplace- for the most part- were decent people- but i did not have my niche. i was too poor to hang with the middle classers or above and i was too smart to hang with the poorer, less educated crowd. i had a few close friends and that was it.
ReplyDeleteand i loathe social gatherings. loathe them. i find them tedious and a waste of time. weddings- are all the same. same dress, same cake, same reception... showers, parties, etc- all the same. there was a time for that type of social interaction- now we do it mostly out of habit and obligation. anyhoo- i think i rambled myself far afield from your post. :) i meant commiseration and solidarity to the whole social affair type thing. i don't do small talk and truth be told- i don't care enough about any of the people at these events to get to know them any better. it is a dilemma for me :) although it does help me not to give a shit what they think- so i dress the way i want and ignore if i want.