July 8, 2016

Even Today

Not too long ago I was swimming in a river with my daughters and my mom and wife at a Zen retreat in the mountains off the coast of California. I was oblivious to the world and the violence it is in the constant state of perpetuating.

Even today…

I still can’t do it.

I have been writing everyday in this space since January, but the words on nights like this don’t help. They don’t make sense. I am so entangled with anger, sadness, despair, guilt, shame, so many emotions that when I sit to articulate them, I end up feeling more lost and confused.

I have been glued to the stories out of Dallas and the opinions and ideas coming out of the events of the last few days.

I feel I have no right to write about such things- I was canoeing on a lake in paradise today for god’s sake.

Tomorrow is my daughter’s tenth birthday and I feel I don’t have the words to untangle the violent, racist, gun-obsessed web that is the very country I have brought her to, so she can “set some roots.”

But what do my selfish worries have to do with the reality that so many people actually living in America have to face? I wanted to come “home” and get a better glimpse of this country, and within a few weeks- #orlando, #altonsterling, # after # after # and more death and hate and more god damn guns.

Maybe someday I could write a coherent, helpful post or essay about what all of this violence means to a nation, but once again, tonight, I can only look on in awe and shame and pity and anger and all human emotions at once.

Find someone out there, doesn’t matter who and love them, even for a few seconds.

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