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every conscious second is littered with thoughts. will the maths department get their furniture order in on time. tomorrow might be the day i quit on watch-coach-jerry. it will feel weird to play music with other people in the room, but it’s good practice for being comfortable on stage. my desk at work needs to be cleaned up. i need to make some radical changes to my wardrobe. facebook knows what I want better than I do myself. i need to go to the doctor to get that thing on my face looked at. will the raiders trade derek carr? would that make me happy? the stress hives have slowed down. the impeachment trial is next week, so is the super bowl, so is chinese new year. i wonder who will get those jobs. i need to finish this book by next tuesday. i can’t believe those kids lied straight to my face. i need to be in a forest, on a beach, climbing mountains, another city, on a plane. in the car i played with a tension, attention— pay it, crave it, give it. what do people remember about me? confidence is just so much pretending. i dropped an effective f-bomb in class today, not out of anger, just the right word for the right time. teenagers respect swearing. use it wisely. i enjoy washing dishes, getting the grease off. saw a video with a women playing guitar to a cow until it swooned and fell asleep on her lap. felt guilty for eating ice cream. i don’t like going straight to my phone first thing after waking up. shackled by my habits. always been a glutton. the pleasure outlasts the guilt. that podcast brings me joy. so do Bm, D, A, G, D. should have joined a punk band when i was twenty. students like to hear about things that seem hard to talk about. shared lessons i learned from my parents divorce with them. the classroom is a sacred place, so is the kitchen, the studio, the library, every place we inhabit with a tension, with attention. every conscious second is littered with thoughts. i don’t think littered is the best word. just let it go. i’m  lazy writer. i should revise more. take my time, invest. but people like it like this. we don’t write for people. but we write everyday isn’t that enough. wasn’t that the goal. don’t we deserve something. who is we? where do you come from? who are my friends? how do I know? students miss use what’s app. they are so cruel. it’s a shame we need to teach kindness. my head has been under water for weeks. i’m almost saved. we should have removed the egg whites from the egg nog. eating brussles sprouts make me feel like a giant eating cabbage heads. gotta get the road tax paid on the car. first comes the inspection. then it needs a new parking sticker. she needs a blood test. i have canteen duty. when will we ride the new bikes? how will we ever make more time? what’s the point in all of this? i’m waiting for meaning. an ending. something that let’s me know when to stop. every conscious second is littered with thoughts.