The Voices

I’ve been thinking about this talk for weeks.

After three years together what do I want to leave you with. What is one last thing I can teach you? One last message that I was not able to convey in assemblies or on service trips, in English class or Life Skills, during activities, or in the hallways?

How can I sum up the myriad of lessons I still want to teach you in a five min speech?

I had a whole outline designed about the power of living the mission. I even wrote half of it but then I heard the voice.

I have been hearing the voice since I was your age. And judging by the way you all look at me sometimes I have no doubt that you hear the voice too.

The voice of which I speak is the voice of the cynic. And I think it is hatched when we turn 13.

• The voice of the cynic is mistrustful and scared. It is insecure and afraid to take chances. 
• The voice of the cynic wants to be accepted and becomes louder in crowds, putting people and ideas  down in order to feel popular. 
• The voice of the cynic loves the status quo, cliques and political parties. 
• The voice of the cynic is selfish and easily bored. It rolls its eyes and sighs heavily. 
• The voice of the cynic sees the worst in every situation and rarely tries. It sees failure where others see opportunity. 
• The voice of the cynic gossips and complains, highlighting problems and ridicules solutions. 

The voice of the cynic could go on and on and on.

You see. It is loud even for me.

I was going to start with the mission, but the voice told me:

They won’t want to hear it. They are sick and tired of the mission and the skills and qualities. And the elements and the smiling posters of kids and the slogans and the whole thing.

And so with the voice yelling, I sat at my computer alone in the silence.

Like I so often do after spending time on Twitter or in the comments of articles online. You see the cynical voice loves the internet, because it is echoed there, full blast- on repeat.

But there is another voice. Close your eyes. Listen. What else do you hear? Can you hear it? What might it say?

• This is the voice of the idealist. The dreamer. The artist. The activist. The writer. The teacher. This is the voice of love and generosity, of revolution and learning.
• The voice of the idealist is trustful and unafraid. It is secure and courageous. 
• The voice of the idealist doesn’t need to be accepted and doesn’t put things down in order to feel popular. The voice of the idealist seeks out the voiceless and champions the underdog. 
• The voice of the idealist loves diversity and has a tolerance for ambiguity. 
• The voice of the idealist is selfless and never bored. It smiles and hugs and dances alone. 
• The voice of the idealist sees the best in every situation and always tries its best. It sees solutions where others see problems. 
• The voice of the idealist listens more than it speaks.  
• The voice of the idealist could go on and on and on.

So my message to you is this-

You will hear both voices for years to come. You might be in class, or on trips, at parties or all alone and you will have to decide which voice to listen to.

I am not so naive as to expect you to ignore the cynical voice and follow the ideal, because the cynic in me knows better than that.

But I can ask that you to try and listen to both. Question both. And in any given situation ask yourself which voices is needed and why?

In a short time you will walk into the Main Hall with 200 of your classmates. It will be awkward and weird and exciting and awesome. You might not know what to with your hands or where to go when you walk in. You will look for familiar faces and open arms to let you know that you belong.

The cynic will tell you to judge and make fun and exclude. To stand with the pack and wait.

The idealist will tell you to jump and dance and sing and build a group, a tribe, a community that includes everyone.

The one thing I ask of you on this night is tell the cynic in you to take a break.

This is your night to celebrate and have fun. This is the idealists night. Listen as it tells you to ask that boy or girl to dance. To invite other groups to join you on the dance floor. To take photos and smile. To be alive and bask in the voice of the idealist in you.

Thank you all for bringing so much joy in my life for the last three years. It has been my pleasure to be your head of grade. You have taught me more than you will ever know.

Have a great night. You have earned it. I love you and let the party begin.

I Went To Church Today

I went to church today. Yup. Church. Me. Today.

This is not some allusion or metaphor about me sitting on a beach somewhere lost in my spiritual ramblings. It is actually what it says: I went to church today. Complete with prayers, hands in the air (not my hands, but there were hands in the air) and the ole praise Jesus and a smattering of amens. Before I get into what it was like, let me start with the why. Several people who knew I was planning on going to church today asked me why, and while I tried to think of some reasons on the spot in the social environments where they asked, as you know I am better at articulating ideas in blog form. So why did I go to church today:

Because I want to be the kind of person who says yes to life more often than I say no. I want to say yes when it is easy and fun, but I also need to say yes when it is complicated and uncomfortable. I want to know, see and feel what other people value before I make judgements, and if I am doing it right I hope not to feel the need to judge at all. I want my ideals and values to be rooted in experience and understanding.

I went to church today, because I am curious about other people’s beliefs and how they think and make sense of the world. I spend so much time glibly proselytizing my atheism that I thought it might do me some good to spend some time in a church. While there, I was thinking that maybe I need to go to a Hindu temple or mosque next, so if you want to invite me I am down to go.

I went to church today because someone who listens and interacts with my rambling asked me to come, and I felt I owed him the respect he has shown my ideas. If I am going to be passionate about my values and ideas- art, veganism, peace, music, whatever it is, then I have to respect other people’s passions and give them the benefit of the doubt.

I went to church today because if I claim to be an open minded person then I have to be open minded in action and not just words. I have to listen more than I talk. I have to take-in as much I give away. I have to learn as much as I teach.

So for these reasons and maybe a few more, I went to church today. What was it like?

It was pretty great. It was exciting, musical, artistic, joyful, passionate, warm, welcoming, intimate, communal and honest. I haven’t been church in a long, long time and the times I have been it has never felt like this. I have always felt uncomfortable and bored and disconnected. But not today. I arrived a bit early chatted with some folks about day-to-day things, had some coffee, listened to a few songs and listened to Hamish give a well researched, interesting, and personal sermon about how to read the bible.

This is not a post to argue or debate the merits of his ideas or beliefs, that is what a bottle of wine might be for, but I appreciated his sentiment, his passion and his skill as an orator. I didn’t always agree with what he said and there many times when in my mind I was saying, ‘’but, but, but….what about…..and…..but, but, but.” I let it go and listened with an open mind. It’s amazing what that can do for your intellect as well as your spirit.

At first I spent so much energy pulling away and judging the people as they smiled too wide or praised Jesus too enthusiastically. It didn’t feel real to me. The cynic in me felt they were faking it. I guess because this type of devotion is not real for me, but I tried real hard to just be there in the moment and relate to what was being said without the need to argue all the time, which is what I usually do at religious events.

Before I go on, let me say that I enjoyed my time at Inspire Church. If I wanted a community of Christians to get to know this might be where I would start. If I created a church, this might be what it would look like. If I needed this type of faith, this might be the place where I would look, but honestly I don’t feel I need it.

It was nice to see these people so happy and bonded and worshiping as a family, and although I could appreciate what it was doing for them, I knew as I walked away that Church is not for me. Not because of anything this church itself was doing or not doing, but I guess I just reject the very idea of faith.

I started thinking about this idea of being consumed by god, jesus, faith, grace whatever you want to call it, during one of the first songs. They sang something like Jesus you are my everything and nothing I have is worth anything without you, or something like that. Which got me thinking- what is my everything? Is there one thing that I pour my entire soul into? One place that holds my complete heart and mind? Do I value anything so much that I consume it and allow myself to be consumed by it?

The answer- I hope not.

The world and the pieces of me in it are too rich, too complex to be poured into a vessel as one-sided as a singular faith. How can there only be one god, one faith, one church? I have faith in so many things, so there is no way I ever want to put one name around it all. If I closed my eyes, and raised my hands and praised any one thing, I feel like I would be doing a dis-service to all things. I don't ever want to see the world through one lens, even if that lens is the all-loving Jesus.

Beyond the stories and the bible and the sin and the language of worship and redemption and all of the devil and god and heaven and hell, my understanding from today is that it all boils down to love. The divine whatever it might look like. Compassion. Peace. Empathy. I get all that. I just don’t want to dilute the image through the lens of faith in Jesus. Those ideas of divinity, in my humble opinion, do not need Jesus, a god or a church.

It's a great story, the story of the Israelites and the covenant with God, but just one in a series of others. I can't, I won't reduce the divinity into such a simple cup.

I hope that it is enough that I live a good life. Try my best to be righteous. Understand that I am fallible and broken and wonderful and in pain and full of love without having to brand myself in any one faith. Or in faith at all. There is no one thing that I feel so consumed by.

I loved seeing the people today so happy and comfortable in their faith in Jesus and their approach was refreshing and made me happy too.

But I think I will keep walking down my own road and looking to see what else I can find. I am not sure what that church looks like or if I even need one. I have met many people on this journey and we have shared many stories and songs and our own twisted sermons along the way. These meanderings seem be enough for for me. Today my searching took me into a church, and I am grateful for the hospitality. And honestly, Hamish I look forward to coming back if you will have me, you have a cool thing going.

But for me the end of the journey can never be in any one church, actually for me there is no end to the journey.