353/365

a stale chocolate eclair
just before midnight
washed down by cold sparkling
water straight from the bottle.

a tiny white head zit
on your lower eyelid
causing swelling and irritation.

sizzling mushroom fajitas
for dinner
two margaritas
large and on the rocks
a beer at the art house movie
with friends. a gentle
walk to the taxi.

a ruptured taste bud
on the tongue making
it challenging to pry
that piece of tortilla chip
from the hole in your molar.

a cool breeze
in the tropical heat.

another sunday night:
this one on the
forty seventh december
of your life.

121/365

what are you doing this weekend
they ask, as if
weekends are for doing things:

wake up without an alarm
around ten, order and eat delivery
mcdonalds breakfast, feel guilty
for a few minutes and get over it quickly,
do laundry, wash and dry the weekly fruit,
watch the nfl draft while texting with oldest friend
take a shower and head to the mall with my youngest,
listen to women punk bands all the way there,
chat about marvel movies, eat a cheese plate,
look at some cute tops, buy a new html cable,
pyjama pants and brioche hamburger buns,
up to a movie, popcorn (sweet and salty mix), m&ms,
grape soda— whisper to each other in the dark,
more punk songs on the way home, “joan jett was my first crush,”
make illuminating confessions,
the trees along the freeway so beautiful every time,
finish a book, start a new one, tinker with the guitar,
quick pasta dinner, a movie on the couch,  
a chocolate cookie with peanut butter chips and sparkling water,
put her to bed, write this poem, and crawl
into bed for an early quiet saturday night.

what are you doing this weekend
they ask, as if
weekends are for doing things.

The Porsche

It occurred to me pre-dawn

after I had put on my running shoes

and shlepped outside pushing one aging knee past the next

that I had seen the guy in the Porsche twice this week.

Alone on the sidewalk,

desperate to quiet my thoughts

or ignoring the crackling of my joints-

I saw him shooting off the highway:

convertible roof down,

gunning his engine.

What a douchebag

was my first thought.

This guy gets up early every morning

to drive his fancy car

fast on empty roads.

It occurred to me that there must be

hundreds, thousands, hundreds of thousands

of men, around the world, who must do this.

After turning the corner and entering the tunnel-

the glaring neon lights buzzing

in the growing humid heat-

my judgment weighed me down.

Short of breath

and sweating into my beard-

I saw myself in a cockpit

of a cherry red Porsche:

The music cranked to deafening decibels,

probably early 2000s Strokes.

The smell of the leather seats

conflicting with my loosening vegan commitments.

The twinkling lights of the dash

crafted by exquisite German design

take me back to 1983…

I’m nine and my parents no longer live in the same house,

technically we are no longer a family

and to make up for this fact

my dad takes me to movies.

Last Saturday we saw one

about a young entrepreneur

who starts a small time brothel in his house

to pay off his debt to a prostitute.

Not sure how we are allowed to watch this film,

but there we were

the two of us bonding

awkwardly in the darkness

as I watched a sex scene on a train.

These days those images are only

brought to life in abstractions

and vagaries.

But I clearly remember the Porsche.

Thirty four years later,

I’ve never even sat in one.

True Colors

Saw The Trolls movie today and thoroughly enjoyed it. Great music, cute, funny and a nice message about happiness and how and where to find it. Don’t want to give too much away, but the bad guys-The Bergens reminded me of Trump supporters. Just throwing that out there for when/if you see it.


Came home starting learning True Colors with Skye and Kaia. It is in a key scene in the movie and feels nice to sing with the girls.


Despite the joyfulness of said film, the Raisdana house was doused with a smidge of funk today. Not sure why, but we were all a bit tired and snappy.


Basketball, some time outdoors, Veganberg lunch, movie, a quick lesson in Poker and Black Jack, a few Skye melt down tantrums, some Supergirl and finally the deep deep sleep. We were functioning but not really feeling it. That’s the case some days- Families just misfire and sputter and fall.


This election is rotting my soul piece-by-piece and I don’t know if the climate of the country will change anytime soon. Either way is a bad case scenario. Trump wins will….I don’t need to say anything about that, but this vitriol will not dissipate much even if Clinton wins. Trump supports are just hearing their voices for the first time, I am afraid they will not shut up any time soon. I am not sure if my day-to-day life can handle much more of bleating.


I guess we must all have faith in the work toward peace. Focusing on the daily ways we try and teach a new generation to care and feel and love and move forward. Part of this work, must involve loving those who spew hate.


It can be difficult to do this work with our own hearts filled with hate, and Trump is so good at filling hearts with hate, regardless of whether or not you support him. Like an infection he burrows into your system and tears you apart. But we must internalize it and learn to transform it back into love to guide us.


I hope to wake up tomorrow, put on my clothes, sculpt the mustache, and help the people in my life live their true colors.

Chlorinated

“Ya wanna go find this soap?”


This is how my day started. Woke up around 9am, which I am finding is my natural rhythm. Sleep at 1am up at 9am. That’s how my body works best, take note schools- waking up at 6am not good for my mojo.


We as a family, first Mairn and now the rest of us have become big fans of Dr. Bronner’s Pure-Castile Liquid Soaps. We started with Peppermint and have recently been indulging in Lavender. Anyway, Mairin found a place called Nature’s Glory out near Outram where we can buy refills of the soap. And yes, our lives are so exciting that waking up to buy soap refills is our morning event.


After some confusion about whether or not we had the right receptacle, we bought a few liters of soap. And one of them, wait for it……is Almond. It’s the little things that bring me joy. If you can't get excited about soap, maybe your priorities need to be realigned.


After the soap, we headed home for a quick lunch and back to Wild Wild Wet for four hours of chlorinated fun with the Kays and the newly arrived Tisdall-Mcphees. The kids rode slides. We rode slides. Wave pool. Lazy river. Snacks. Good times.


Then a quick jaunt over to Malthouse for their $10 Tuesday night pizza night and an IPA with Chris and Shasta and closed the night off with a movie with Dave and Kelly and Udi. Yeah, we were pretty damn social today and thank you all for a good day.


What movie? Is that what you are asking? Two words: Sausage Party. I won’t say anything else. If you have seen it, you know that I needn’t say much more and if you haven’t, there is nothing I can say about that movie that would do it justice. I have never seen anything like it, and I felt awkward leaving the theater and seeing other people in the lights. Super crazy inappropriate funny movie.


My eyes are burning from chlorine and my brain is a buzz with raunchy humor. Tomorrow is Wednesday- a few more doctor’s appointments for the kids and not much else. I feel so relaxed that I am not sure if I remember how to do my job. Hope it’s like riding a bike and it comes back to me.


This season of Transparent is great, so I need to get back to it.

Always Meant To Be

Note to 20 year old self:


I know you think that your life is always going to be filled with excitement and adventure. I see the way you swagger about drunk, hiding your insecurities with that messy bravado. You think that your future will always e filled with stories from On The Road and Fear and Loathing.


You might be a star, or at least greatly admired. You are not talented yet, you know this, but you might be able to carve together a working talent that might get you into women’s beds and stages and park benches and overnight trains in far off continents. But let me tell you, one day, when you are forty two, what you think the future will be like now and what it is really like will be very different.


You will wake up one morning at forty two and get ready to drive your daughter to her sewing class clear across town. The day will be hot and sticky and you will be convinced that the AC is not working, but it will be. After you drop off daughter number one, you will go to the mall to set up your second daughter’s birthday at Build A Bear. You will contemplate how much money is okay to spend on outfits for these stuffed creatures with your wife. It will all feel necessary and important. The party will be set.


You'll grab a coffee and walk around a mall again. So many damn malls everywhere. Then you are off to pick up your daughter and since you forgot to give blood at the clinic yesterdays, so you will pop in there and get quickly pricked. The lab staff knows your first name. That can’t be good.


Back home you will make a hummus and avocado sandwich with hot peppers and olives. It will be surprisingly good. You will take a nap on the couch as your kids watch a bit of TV. Your head on the older one’s lap. She will rub your beard and pet your head while you doze in and out. It will feel nice. For a second, you will think that this moment in time, on a couch, on a Saturday at forty two in the middle of a nothing day could be a million times better than shredding guitar in front of a stadium. You will fall asleep.


You will get up an hour later and get ready for the pool. Towels. Sun screen. Olives. Wine. A book. Dried cranberries. The whole family trots downstairs and you play with your kids a bit. Throwing them about like you did when they were small. You’ll read and watch them play. They are so loud and argue so much. Is this normal? You wonder.


The wine and the sun and the lethargy and the pointlessness of it all cling to you like a fine film of ……you will lose the metaphor because you ware lazy and gain the start of a mild headache. You will drink some water and tell the kids it’s time to go up for dinner.


You are not a star or famous or a writer or a musician, your talent will never develop and adventure will always feels more tame when you are in the midst of it. But you might crank out another batch of words and a few friends might read them. They may like them, some might love them, a few might private message you- thanking you for being so honest and vulnerable. As if these traits are not the most obvious thing anyone of can do.


Tomorrow will be another day. Who knows? You will tell yourself maybe it is not too late? Maybe the talent just needs a few more years. Maybe the adventure will never look like what you expected. Maybe you are right where you were always meant to be.


…


asinine
ˈasɪnʌɪn/
adjective: asinine


Extremely stupid or foolish. "Lydia ignored his asinine remark"


Synonyms:
Stupid, foolish, pointless, brainless, mindless, senseless, doltish, idiotic, imbecilic, imbecile, insane, lunatic, ridiculous, ludicrous, absurd, preposterous, nonsensical, fatuous, silly, childish, infantile, puerile, immature, juvenile, inane, witless, half-baked, empty-headed, unintelligent, half-witted, slow-witted, weak-minded;


“You wanna go see The Accountant tonight?”
“Sure why not?”


We love movies. Mairin loves them. I love them. We have forced our kids to love them. Good or bad, there is little that we all love more than sitting in a dark theatre, popcorn in hand, a coke, maybe some chocolate and relinquishing control to the narrative thread that is being cast.


I have always loved movies. I would love to spin a tale of magic and wow, ala Henry Miller and his description of early picture shows in Brooklyn as a child, but it is late and I just got back from a terrible movie, but that’s the point right- that even a bad movie is an amazing experience.


I’ll see anything. I’ll go with friends. Alone. Day or night. If you ever ask, “Do you want to see a movie?" My answer will always be yes. Even the bad ones make you think:


1. Is Ben Affleck really that bad of an actor or is he really good at choosing and playing terrible parts?
2. Did he just stay in character after he played an autistic Batman to play this role?
3.Was his last good movie Clerks? Was he in that?
4. Is it possible to make a film that perpetuates so many stereotypes and not call it a comedy or satire?
5. Were there really only four female roles and can they be that shallow and lame? And can you have said female characters never speak to other female characters for the length of feature film?
6. Can the thuggish, brown skinned, ultra-masculine bad asses with crazy facial hair and militarily mercenary garb really be that bad at firing their weapons? Did they not have target practice at some point?
7. Why don’t all guns have silencers? What is the advantage of a loud gun?
8. Is the heavy handed final song, really necessary? Even when it is so out of place with the rest of the film?


But we went and we laughed, when we weren’t supposed to, or were we? Was this so obviously asinine that we were meant to laugh at it? We looked at each other and rolled our eyes in the dark. If anything, our connected film radar is an attuned and accurate reflection of our bond, our love. We can watch and talk movies forever.


Afterward, we headed out for a quick bite and a wine and a beer. It was Saturday night and this is what married couples do- we go to terrible movies on a whim and we enjoy the mediocrity of the art form. Not every movie is a film and not every experience needs to be life changing.


We love stories and characters, no matter how poorly told or how shallow. We can fill in the blanks and ridicule and judge. The important thing is that we sign up for the ride. We sit in the darkness and we give every movie a chance, knowing that it is the film watching experience that can often outshine the actual film.

Everyone Is Pleased

I’m not sure what it must feel like to return form the dead ala some kind of ghost story or a zombie tale, but I am quite certain it must feel like what I felt like today as I struggled to regain consciousness after my afternoon nap.


My eyes were open and I could feel my limbs and the world that surrounded them, but for the first few minutes I was powerless to move. I felt like I had been drugged and was reawakening after surgery. The body needs what the body needs and after an hour long allergy attack or potential in to a cold, my body needed sleep.


Pretty mellow day. Lots of driving- pick up Mairin from Zumba and drive to Kaia’s sewing class, then drive to breakfast at Wild Honey, then back to get Kaia and off to some trampolining at Zoom. I was too tired, so I finished my Dave Eggers book instead. Then off to Changi Point to get Kaia some new basketball shoes. They look massive on her tiny legs, but she is the proud owner of a pair of new Lebrons. Good deal. Everyone is pleased.


Back home. Aforementioned death nap. Drive to take out Veganberg. Then Woody Allen flick with Mairin. Post dinner drink at hip rooftop bar in a parking lot and home for season finale of Orange Is The New Black. This is the exciting life of a 42 year old MS English teacher.


Didn’t do any work. Or think about work. Well, I thought about not thinking about work, but never actually did anything about it. And now the house is quiet and dark and there is nothing left to do but rest in the luxury of a quiet simple night.


I read somewhere that the entire Seattle Seahawks team might kneel for the national Anthem in their season opener on September 11th. Not sure what that will prove, but not too deep in my heart I hope they do. I never cared much for that song or the flag and all the people that get bent out of shape when we say that both the song and the flag and the ideals they seem to think they represent might be fallible. And if they really believed in what they think freedom means, they would worry more about justice and fairness and equality then the bullshit they spout for most of their time.


Wah…where did that come from?


Good night.

The Eagle Has Landed

I’m not sure if I am losing a day or gaining one. It was Thursday when we left and it is still Thursday. All I know is that I am hitting that jet lag wall. We had an easy flight. I watched- 10 Cloverlane, Concussion and finally saw Inception. Concussion was amazing. What a crazy story?

Hit the ground, rented a car and dropped in on the Dohertys for a quick visit, then burritos and Trader Joes. I think I saw Robin there. She looked like she might have recognized me, she looked familiar to me too, but after 20 years out of Marin everyone looks familiar. If that was you Robin, sorry I didn’t say anything. I was in a jet lagged haze and just wanted to be on a couch in the dark.

Being in your hometown after years away is always such a strange feeling. So many things stay exactly the same. Golden Creme Donuts is still right where I put it, but Pinky’s is now a Chipotle.

We are staying at a little two bedroom place on C street around the corner from my High School house. We are all trying to say awake it gets dark, but not so easy.

Not sure what the next few days will look like. Here is what I know for sure- some time in West Marin and Stinson and still hoping for a Saturday night get together. Now that we are in the same timezone hoping to get a few people saying they are down for a few drinks. How does Terrapin Landing at 8pm sound? Drop a line in the comments if you are coming or what to suggest another place. I am easy. 

Surrender

It rained hard today and the rooms were dark with storm which created a velvety womb of calm and fatigue. I am not used to staying up till 4am, but thankfully the effects of last night were not debilitating. I was weak and vulnerable. My head throbbed and my fuse was short, but I was up and about for the most part. Thank goodness little was expected of me.


Took the girls to basket ball. Spent time lounging in the dark rained-filled room. Dinner out and then Mairin and I went to see Bad Neighbors 2. I liked the dumb humor of the first one and this movie did the trick again. A few cheap laughs and a hook on which to hang my tired brain.


Now the house is quiet and everyone is asleep.


I am ready too. Because despite the crazy headlines I have been ingesting in the last half hour, my mind is all but blank and empty. Even these words feel vacant and pointless. Like I am blurting them out with no intention of seeing where they land. I close my eyes and hope that a sentence might form, or I can close the machine and surrender to sleep.

Secret Chart

So what do you do the night after you write an exhaustive list of your daily routines? You break them of course.


This morning at work was much of the same. The morning was a super-hero day that slowly withered into more of a crawl by day's end. My day tomorrow is too insane to even document right now, and I will be off to Tioman island with the grade six kids on a camp all next week, so I was scurry around making sure my cover work is done and ….well you get the point it was a busy day at work.


But after school, we shook things up a bit. I had a quick run home and then we decided to take the girls for a mid-week swim. It felt great to be outside and together on a Thursday. It is a bit sad that such a simple act feels so novel, but it reminded me how easy it is to break a routine and simply do the things in life that matter. The things that make you happy. We don’t have to run ourselves to the ground with burn-out and exhaustion. Sometimes we just stop what we are doing and go play with our kids in the pool on a school night.


We ordered some Pizza and then Mairin and I went to see the latest Michael Moore movie at The Projector. It was a slow mellow night. We enjoyed a glass of wine and a beer and watched a thought provoking film. I love midweek movies. And this one tonight did the trick.


Now here I am tired and ready for tomorrow. I don’t know that I have the energy to say much more, but I was left pondering this Leonard Cohen lyric as we drove to the theatre:


Please understand, I never had a secret chart
to get me to the heart of this
or any other matter
When he talks like this
you don't know what he's after
When he speaks like this,
you don't know what he's after.

Travel Day

Today was a travel day for the most part. We finished the summit with a later start and an early ending. After grabbing yet another Falafel sandwich we headed for the airport. Lucky I had downloaded a few movies so that was my day. Watching movies and drinking cokes. I watched Daddy’s Home at the airport, which might be the warmest airport I have ever been to, and it was laugh out loud funny at times. The airport was so crowded, I had to sit on the floor near the window. Not one cafe or bar to get a coffee or a beer. Weird.


On the plane I watched the Hateful Eight. I was on the edge of my seat from start to finish. Loved the story telling, direction and dialogue. This is one of Tarantino’s best. I can’t believe this is his eighth film; as I was recapping them in my head, I realised I really like his films.


Quick run through Changi, the best airport in the world, and I was home buried in hugs by my exhausted children. Poor Mairin is writing reports, so I watched a 45 min interview with Amy Schumer, yes, I am obsessed and now getting ready for sleep in my own bed.


The teeth are still aching and I am still hoping it just gets better, I don’t have time for health this week. I wish I had more to report, more to say, more to share, but these are the days of the passing mundane. Are these posts getting boring? Are those random readers flipping passed these words on their phones as they want for buses, planes or trains? Am I less interesting? Am I tried of myself? Probably.


On days like this I didn’t even have tweet length thoughts. Just zoned out and walking through lines and sweating and watching and eating and now the being awake part is almost done.


Maybe this is it? Maybe this is what everyone can relate to? Everyone is always complaining about how people only post their Facebook lives in staged photo ops. Well, the opposite of that are posts like this one. No photos, just words of fatigue and tooth aches. Nights in pyjamas watching youtube while your tired wife taps out reports. This might not be the Saturday night you plaster all over Instagram, no filter will make these nights enticing, but they are the nights you are living.


burning bloodshot eyes
take each day one at a time
life unfolds at its own pace


Scraped out a Haiku just for you.


Good night.

Today Was Easy

Today was easy:

Woke up. Laid around in bed chatting up movies with Skyelar till around 10am. Did some marking. Showered. Headed to free flow brunch at Mandarin Oriental hotel for friends’ birthday. Ate. Drank. Laughed. Ate. Drank. Went to Fullerton for another drink. Taxied home. Put kids to sleep. Typed this up. Going to bed.


Oh and by the way, this is the 100th day of the year and so my 100th post. 100 posts!

Sorted and Posted

Missed a night of daily writing last night. It was bound to happen sooner or later, but I was busy getting our crew to the airport, fed, and on the flight back home. Happy to say another group has been successfully taken to Daraja and returned home safely.

Didn’t take as many photos this time, but they have been edited and sorted and posted on Flickr. I’ve showered, unpacked, eaten sushi for dinner, hugged the girls and getting ready for a long and comfortable sleep in my own bed.

Tomorrow I am back to school and it is going to be a long and busy week. Report card comments are due at the end of the week and that is always fun. I feel drained and exhausted and not sure how I will make it through, but I am sure it will all sort itself out. I’m also running my second 10km next Saturday, so that should be fun.

…

List of movies I watched on my flights:

The Martian= Meh
St. Vincent= Second time I’ve seen this one and I cried at the end again. Love this one.
Foxcatcher= What a bizarre and slow film. Wasn’t super impressed.
Black Mass= Haven’t we seen this movie a million times. Jonny Depp with blue eyes freaked me out.
Vacation (Remake)= Dumb low-bro comedy had me laughing out loud. Perfect plane movie.

…

Off to watch some Top Chef with Mairin and pass out.

On The Hike Beneath The Sea of Green

Wow! This was quite the weekend. My wife was at an EAL conference in Bangkok, so I was home alone with the girls. It began with the three of us going to a junior school play, then a viewing of Spinal Tap with a friend at Singapore's new art house theater on Friday night. Saturday found me at an all day PD session with Penny Kittle followed by me returning to The Projetor with the girls to see Yellow Submarine. Sunday morning we woke up and went on a three hour hike through Mac Ritchie Reservoir and the Tree Top walk. At home we chilled for a bit and headed to dinner and new shoes for us all.

Below are tidbits of the conversations from the weekend:

Me, "What did you think of that movie?"
Skye, "It was weird. Why were the blue guys so mean?"
Me, "I'm not sure. What did you think the movie was about?"
Skye, "That music and love make people better?"
Kaia, "I liked the Hiliary guy"
Me, "You mean the Nowhere Man?"
Kaia, " I didn't like how they were so mean to him? I also liked when that guy ate everything, including himself and then there was nothing left."
Skye, "I liked the songs. But I didn't like that glove."


__________________________________________________________________________________

On the hike: 

Skye, "Can we watch Ever After when we get home?"
Me, "I don't really like that show. I said we can check it out a few times,  but I don't like you watching it."
Skye, "But we love it."
Me, "That doesn't make it good for you."
Kaia, "You know how daddy feels about Barbie."
Skye, "But this is not Barbie."
Me, "Do you know why I don't like these characters?"
Skye, "Because they wear make-up?"
Me, "Not just that. I don't like to see girl characters who are so worried about being girls. Always worried about what they wear, who they like, and gossiping. I see girls as so much more complicated than that"
Skye, "What is gossip?"
Me, "It is when you are always talking about other people, instead of worrying about yourself. I like to see girls on TV who are like the real girls I see everyday. Smart, funny, brave, tough. Girls like you.  You like many different things. You play with boys and talk to them about things you are good at and things you love. Like the girls in Wildd Kratts. You don't see the girls on that show, worrying about how they look or trying to impress boys. They are too busy learning about animals and making cool machines.
Skye, "Like Ruby Gloom?"
Me, "Exactly. I want you to see girls on TV that inspire you and make you think about cool things. I want them to be strong and funny. Because that is how I see you two.

Skye," I'm tired."
Me, "That's good. You should be. You are exercising and spending a lot of energy.  Try not talking so much and just breathe deeply. Sometimes when you get tired, but you have to keep walking. There is no other way to get home. Complaining only makes you more tired. So enjoy yourself. Think of every step and keep moving. Look around. We are not going anywhere, so there is no getting there. We are just walking, spending time together and enjoying the nature.
Skye, "I'm still tired."

__________________________________________________________________________________

Kaia, "There's something in my shoe." 
Me, "Yeah? What do you want m to do about it?  Stop and take care of it. There are two kinds of people Kaia, those who complain and wait for other people to fix things for them, and the kind of people who just suck it up and solve their own problems. I would love it if you were the second type of person."

__________________________________________________________________________________

Kaia, "Can we explore that creek a bit off the trail?"
Me, "Sure." 
Kaia, "Will you come with us?"
Me, "No. I think I will just lay here a bit and watch the clouds."
Kaia, "But we want you to come."
Me, "Sometimes Kaia, it is good for kids to explore away from their parents. Go see what you find and just keep it your secret. I don't need to always be there behind you. Take Skyelar, be careful and see what is down by the creek. Kids need time for adventure without their parents approval or supervision."
Skye, "Come on Kaia, let's just go?"
Kaia, "Can we get our shoes wet?"
Me, "If that is what you want to do, just don't complain later when your socks are wet."

__________________________________________________________________________________

Me, "Wow. Guys we did it! I'm so proud of you both. It's pretty amazing that you just walked all that way. I am so impressed you could do that. You can also bike to East Coast Park, paddle board, you can snorkel. There are some kids your age who would complain the whole way. It makes me happy we can do these things with you now."
Kaia, "Can we climb that volcano in Indonesia soon?"
Me, "You keep doing the stuff I mentioned and we can definitely climb that volcano."

__________________________________________________________________________________

There was some less profound and less inspirational stuff too. After buying new shoes

Kaia, "But I want to wear them for PE."
Me, "If you are not a bit more grateful I will take them back right now! I am so tried of you being such an ungrateful spoiled brat! Take some time to enjoy what you have before you start complaining about what it isn't!"