365/365

the sky
the color
of whales and elephants
heavy and thick, slow moving-
envelops the intermittent grumbling
of thunder like bullets igniting
in an ashen bag of wool.

wet and bored.
resting lethargy-
in a book
on the phone
in and out of sleep.
drooping cat’s eyes
don’t feel guilty
from lack of productivity.

they invite us to destigmatize
so much of our shame,
but another year is about to expire,
your left holding
a year’s worth of poems
worth little more than
a sack of magic beans.

mix a drink
play a record
let’s gets ready
to celebrate.

privilege is

Privilege is the ability to leave, while others remain trapped by circumstance.

Privilege is choice and freedom and the ability to navigate between worlds. Privilege is the ability to voluntarily immerse yourself in the suffering of others, for the sake of self-righteous empathy. Privilege a photo op. Privilege is walking to the well to see how heavy forty litres of water can be and imagining ten kilometres, knowing that in a few days you will be taking twenty minute showers and eating Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Privilege is getting to know a person only by listening to their tragic stories and framing their existence by their net worth. Privilege taking a break from your week of roughing it with a nap by a pool and honey glazed, rosemary butter nut squash. Privilege is living by a different set of rules because of your birthplace and passport. Privilege is donating your left overs and feeling good about yourself, because you think you are helping. Privilege is having your lunch, fresh sandwiches with brie cheese, waiting for you on the way to the airport. Privilege is feeling guilt and shame, but doing little about it, convincing yourself that you are doing more than others. Privilege is looking out the window, sipping clean water and watching the latest Hollywood movies, as the airplane leaves and takes you home.

Privilege is knowing that you will not sacrifice more than you have to in order to maintain your privilege.

Guilty Good

Today was about doctor referrals. Spent the morning setting up appointments for me, Mairin and Kaia. Life is so busy throughout the school year that part of our staycation must be dedicated to maintaining our health. It’s not exciting my any means but necessary. At one point, however, driving to and fro, I couldn’t help to think how distant the stress of school felt, even a few days removed from it. The days are slow and lethargic and absolutely perfect. After a decent lunch out, we were home and ready for naps.


The late afternoon took us swimming at Miles and Keri-Lee’s. We had a few drinks, some wine, played Star Wars Battlefront (to make sure the Teen rating was okay for the kids) and then home for an early bedtime for the kids and a wide open night without much to do. Maybe a movie with Mairin, definitely the latest episode of Atlanta is on deck.


Earlier in the day, we also made a quick stop to the book store where I bought the Amy Schumer bio and the latest by Jonathan Saffron Foer. I am still bogged down in a mediocre YA book, but I hope to power through that in the next few days, so I can get back into my reading groove. It has been forever and that is not acceptable.


Speaking of bad habits. I was meant to run today, but the swim date and early evening cocktails nixed that idea. The fact that I am still hungry and actually ordered McDonald’s delivery is enough to make me feel pretty shitty, that is until the sweet salty goodness hits my mouth. I have somehow convinced myself that I deserve the things that make me feel guilty.


At some point soon, I hope to tightened things up a bit- more running, back to a more hardline vegan approach, reading every night, but in the meantime- it is Wednesday night, I have another week and a half off. Nothing to do tonight or tomorrow, the McCrunch veggie burger is on the way and if things get super crazy, I might have a glass of wine while we watch Atlanta.


Side note, we don’t currently have Netflix for a variety of reasons, but I really want to watch 13th, but having a hard time finding it anywhere other that Netflix.

Pig Food

I’m a guilty disgusting pig food confession…


We had Kaia’s meet the teacher night tonight at 6:00pm, so we decided to just stay at school and get some work done and then grab a bite to eat near school. I decided to go to McDonald's and have their new veggie McCrunch burger, which cannot be good for me, the planet or anyone else involved, but along with a large fries and a giant coke, it tasted pretty damn good.


Marin needed to stop off at the grocery store after the event, and I figured that nasty fast food at 4:30 couldn’t possible be enough so I wanted a “treat.” I ended getting and consuming a bag of salt Kettle chips and a seven-up, because a second Coke would have been obscene. On the plus side, I am sure these dietary choice were as good, if not better than the run I was supposed to go on.


Thirteen hour days need salt and sugar.


First thing this morning I ran an introduction to our Online Learning Platform and some other computer basics to a room of nearly 200 sixth graders. They were amazing and quiet and patient. Thanks for the support from the rest of the team. I love that we can trust our kids to be sensible and cooperative in such a massive group. For all you non-teacher types, try to imagine communicating with 200 eleven year olds for forty-minutes about technology. It was a proud moment.


Feeling like I have my head above water at the moment and not much to do tonight but relax, watch some Internet and read before falling into a deep- it’s the night before the first Friday of the school year. Looking forward to a pretty social weekend.

Even Today

Not too long ago I was swimming in a river with my daughters and my mom and wife at a Zen retreat in the mountains off the coast of California. I was oblivious to the world and the violence it is in the constant state of perpetuating.

Even today…

I still can’t do it.

I have been writing everyday in this space since January, but the words on nights like this don’t help. They don’t make sense. I am so entangled with anger, sadness, despair, guilt, shame, so many emotions that when I sit to articulate them, I end up feeling more lost and confused.

I have been glued to the stories out of Dallas and the opinions and ideas coming out of the events of the last few days.

I feel I have no right to write about such things- I was canoeing on a lake in paradise today for god’s sake.

Tomorrow is my daughter’s tenth birthday and I feel I don’t have the words to untangle the violent, racist, gun-obsessed web that is the very country I have brought her to, so she can “set some roots.”

But what do my selfish worries have to do with the reality that so many people actually living in America have to face? I wanted to come “home” and get a better glimpse of this country, and within a few weeks- #orlando, #altonsterling, # after # after # and more death and hate and more god damn guns.

Maybe someday I could write a coherent, helpful post or essay about what all of this violence means to a nation, but once again, tonight, I can only look on in awe and shame and pity and anger and all human emotions at once.

Find someone out there, doesn’t matter who and love them, even for a few seconds.

Monday Picnic

Shame’s no fun. Guilt sucks. Disappointment and self-loathing? No picnic.

But this is the basket of goodies I lugged to my bed this afternoon before I passed out for a quick twenty minute power nap. I did, however, mentally fight with myself for ten minutes before and it sounded like this:

You got to get back out there and run today.

I know, but man that feels like the last thing I want to do.

You have lost everything you worked for. Your habit is all but gone.

What is one more day? I’ll start Wednesday.

That’s what you said last week and it’s been a week.

But it’s so hot and my eyes are drooping.

Remember how you were bragging about how it makes you feel good once you’re out there.

But that’s bullshit. It will hurt and feel bad.

So is that it? Was the running a fad? All done?

Don’t get so extreme, I still value it, but I just can’t today.

Get up. Get up. Get up. Just get out there and do a quick 5km.

No.

I hate you.

I hate you too.

Come on.

I need a nap. Oh and by the way, I don’t plan to write tonight either.

You’re the worst.

I know.

How can you stand to ook at yourself?

I don't know.

And with that, I set my alarm and slept. But before I faded to black I contemplated how much of a better all-around person Mairin is than me:

She woke up early, even though she is sick and made lunches, breakfast and prepped dinner for tonight. All I had to do was put it in the oven. Why might you ask? Because although she also worked all day- did I mention that she was sick, she still went to her exercise class.

Recap:

She woke up earlier than me. Did more work. Was sick all day and still made it to her class. Me? What did I do? I slept.

Shame’s no fun. Guilt sucks. Disappointment and self-loathing? No Picnic.

…

Dilemmas:

1. By the new Beyonce album, I am obsessed with since I watched Lemonade on HBO last night, from iTunes, or wait until it may or may not be on Spotify.

2. Facial hair for the coming months: Stay clean shaven? Little goatee thing? Full summer beard?

3. How to punctuate my sentence about my lack of dilemmas?

Well that was fortunate; even after some serious brainstorming, at the moment, I am only suffering from two mild dilemmas.

Well that was fortunate. Even after some serious brainstorming, I am only suffering from two mild dilemmas at the moment.

Well that was fortunate. At the moment, even after some serious brainstorming, I am only suffering from two mild dilemmas.

…

The only thing left to do is consume chips and salsa, wine, chocolate and the Game of Thrones season premiere. Mondays aren’t good for much else. 

The Scab

I don’t want too many of these posts to be about politics. There is only so much we can take, so even after the events of Chicago, Cleveland and St. Louis, I will choose to write about something other than you know who tonight.

Although I will say that I am having a very hard time distinguishing between anger and sadness these days. Article after article and video after video fall like granite through my Facebook feed, and I am lost as to which new emoticon to present that accurately represents my emotions.

It feels like a blend of anger, sadness, shame, pity, frustration, fear and loathing, but ultimately I think all of these emotions can be summed up as hate. This campaign is making me hate, and this is why it is so dangerous.

Having said that I hope that I have enough faith in humanity, peace, love and understanding. Perhaps this is the darkness before the dawn and America has started the healing process by ripping off the scab.

…

It is a beautiful early afternoon and the clouds are a rainbow of white and black and different shades of grey. We are all on bikes and the sun is gently toasting my skin. Kaia is up ahead lost in her thoughts, while Mairin and Skye are just behind me.

East Coast Park is crowded with campers and picnickers. The BBQ pits are strewn with balloons and the smoke of cooking meat. People are covered in sand and water and the calm lethargy of a well spent Sunday. There are large groups of expats, Muslims, Indians and Chinese. Couples and families. Athletes and loafers. A diverse range of people, peacefully enjoying the sun and the sand. Say what you will about race relations in Singapore, but on a day like today at East Coast Park, you cannot help but fall in love with what our human family can look like if we just chill the hell out and do our own thing.

We bike passed the crowds and stop at the restaurant with the pool out front, for a quick stop to eat and a dip. Just as quickly as we stopped we are back on the road, headed to Kallang Wave for some Lazy River fun. The ride is hot and hard- probably over twenty kilometers in total, but we all ride in our own silence and occasional conversations. The girls are not complaining, as this is what we do- we ride our bikes and enjoy the air and the strain on our legs.

We swim a bit and float in the sun at the Lazy River. Rain clouds are threatening, but the air is thick with heat and the water feels perfect. Still wet in swim suits, we are back on our bikes and head back to East Coast park. Large dark clouds are right behind us, stirring up the wind and a soft splash of drizzle. A quick stop at Starbucks for some donuts, fruit and smoothies.

Toward the end, Skye is tired, but peddling. We are home and showered and napping and playing games on iPads. We earned it. Bed time comes fast and easy, as our sun drenched blood shot eyes welcome the quiet solitude of sleep. We will dream about the graceful beauty of a day spent on a bicycle. I know that John, Roderick, Chris and Andrew will understand what I mean.

…

Read an article today about how parents in France can be sued by their kids if the parents post pictures of the kids on social media. I have also seen several articles about kids who are upset about their parents sharing photos of the kids online. As many of you know, I have been sharing photos of both my kids since they were born. I think they both have an ultrasound photo online somewhere.

I have lots of thoughts about the issue, but it is too soon for me to comment at length. I am letting it stew. I think I would like to make a video and ask Kaia what she thinks. I need to actually show her what is out there, explain why I put it there, show her some of the reactions and see what she says.

The Universes They Found

We were talking about counter-arguments today in class. More accurately we were talking about how it is important to acknowledge alternative interpretations to your claim and/or your evidence when writing a Literary Essay.

I showed the kids how they could use thinking prompts like, “while some might argue...they forget that in the text it says... or “ Some people might interpret this to mean...But clearly...because...." It was a simple lesson, with a simple example and the kids were quickly ready for independent writing, and I was ready to start my daily rounds of conferences.

I sat with Isabella, one of my better readers and writers, to discuss her thinking about Jack’s leadership qualities from Lord of the Flies. She was easily able to articulate her thinking about how Jack was actually scared from the start of the novel and that is why he needed to control everything- in order to compensate for his own insecurities. It was a solid claim and she had adequate evidence. She told me that she was thinking about alternative interpretations. We used one of the prompts and she was quickly able to see how acknowledging these other ideas actually strengthened her own position. It was a quick and clean conference.

One of the things I have been working on as a teacher is to remember to start or end my conferences with a compliment. So I said, “You know Isabella? I am so proud of the deep thinking you have been doing with this book. And today, your ability to quickly find alternative interpretations to your great claim and use a prompt to get to where you needed to go was pretty impressive. Keep up the great work. You are rocking this essay.”

You should have seen her smile. Although she was sitting down, it felt like she jumped to get back to her work. She was determined to nail her thinking down in words. And as I was walking away, out of the corner of my eye, I saw her actually pump her fists as if she had just scored a goal in soccer. And I think we both knew that she had scored a goal.

Later when the class was back together and on the carpet, I acknowledged her excitement. I reminded the kids that this type of thinking, reading, and writing does not come easily. And when we take the time to build the skills and do the thinking, we will all have those moments when our thinking is clear and our ability to articulate it is even clearer, and when we have these moments we have no choice but to pump our fists and get excited. The mood in class was electric today as twenty-two kids wrestled with their ability to unpack the universes they found in the pages of their books.

…

Some days, Mondays and Wednesdays in particular, I come home and accomplish my goals. I get all smug and brag a bit about how I ran. I wrote and I read. Well today was not one of those days. After getting home, I laid on the bed to “rest my eyes” just a bit. Seconds after I began my rest, I fell into a deep deep sleep. So much so that when Mairin woke me up ten minutes later to grab some take-out sushi, I had drooled so much that there was a damp patch in my beard. Gross? TMI? Perhaps, but it happened and I thought I should tell you. I actually had to wash my face and beard carefully to make sure all the saliva was gone.

It is safe to say that I did not run after that. I just basked in my own laziness and guilt for veering away from my routine. I also decided that I would not work on my book tonight either as I had some last minute report card comment corrections to make (Don’t ask. It really is over now)

So it was a lazy day or a rest day or a necessary day, I don’t know. I do know that this daily writing thing is not negotiable and this piece is almost done before 9pm, which means I will be in bed and reading my book for a long long time tonight and maybe that is what needs to happen on this Wednesday nigt in late February.

…

I put Skye to bed and went in to check on Kaia. She was sleep but still awake. This is what I said, “Hey sweety. Just wanted to let you know that I am sorry that I have been a bit distant for the last few days, weeks actually, since I got back from Kenya. I was really tried last week and I had so much work with these reports that I feel that I have been ignoring you a bit and this makes me sad. I miss you so much and I wanted to tell you that I love you so much and I am sorry that we haven't had a chance to really hang-out or talk or bond or anything.”

She was beaming and smiling and looking at me in the eyes. It was as close to magic or heaven as I ever need to get.

“So anyway...let’s make some time this weekend to catch up and hang out and spend quality time together, because that time we spend together is the most important thing to me. I love you. I hope you know that.”

“I love you too daddy. Thank you.”

Just like that. She said thank you. I told my nine year old how I was feeling in the simplest most honest way I could and she acknowledged what I said. She smiled and hugged me and said thank you. It was a beautiful moment.

…

“Is this any good?” Aditya, not one of my strongest readers, but a kid who is putting in the time and starting to “get” books, asked me holding a copy of Catcher in the Rye.
“Good? It’s a dreary tale of teenage angst and woe. It is the story of every teen age boy I have ever known. Myself included. It is a classic and one of my favourites.”
“Do you think I would like it? Is it challenging?”
“The language is unique and takes a while to get going, but I think you should give it a go. There’s a lot to it and I think you should explore what those ideas are all about.”
“But there’s no blurb.”
“Start from the first page and see where you end up.”

For the rest of the class, I watched him as he was absorbed by Holden’s voice. I am not sure if he will “get it” or even like it, but he was already taking notes on Holden’s “sensitive” nature when reading time was done.

I love my job. Here was this kid about to start a journey that could change his life. Books can do that you know? I am a gate-master to potential life changing experiences for some of these kids. Or he might abandon the thing a few pages in. Who can tell?

I love the challenge of finding the book for the right kid at the right time. It is a kind of magic. A magic I do not take lightly.

Sometimes Sleeping

I had a hard time staying awake today. It was a drowsy fast moving cloud, slow moving thoughts, just keep your eyes open a bit longer kind of day. I felt a bit guilty as I floated in and out of consciousness. Guilty because I could have been marking a few straggling papers. Guilty because I could have been entertaining my kids. Guilty because I could have been helping Mairin​ unpack and sort all the groceries for the week. Guilty because I could have been reading or playing guitar or even watching a movie, but I really couldn’t keep my eyes open.

The most exertion I was able to muster today was a ride to lunch- veggie burger and XIPA from Brewerkz. We were the only ones there and it felt a bit like a Zombie Apocalypse with refillable root beer. We forgot to ask for no straws and they brought four to our table. Made me think about a headline I just read where in 2050 there will be more plastic in the ocean than fish.  That is a few years after peak oil, now that should be quite a show. I will be seventy something; I wonder what that will look like. The girls will be the age I am now. I don’t like to dwell on the depressing stuff, but on lazy sleepy Sundays sometimes the shit comes crashing down.

…

For some reason the snow on the Eastern seaboard is making me miss New York. I always loved NYC in the winter. Well, that is a total lie, I hated it when I had to wake up at 5am and take two busses and a train to teach in the Bronx and I would step in puddles and the classroom would be so over heated that we couldn’t breathe, all 38 of us in the room, fresh off the boat,  and I would run outside and smoke cigarettes in the cold in between classes and cry on the train on my way home, because it all felt too big and too hard to fix.

But I did always like the fresh snow in Central Park. The whole city hushed under the blanket of white, while down on the lower east side, we crammed into bars with blaring jukeboxes, small crowds huddled outside watching the snowflakes fall, intermingling with our upward clouds of smoke. Still somewhat young and fresh and alive in the most exciting city in the world as we were slowly erased by the snow.

….

It’s strange when you try and document your daily life, and you realise that it is all pretty ho-hum. Even your thoughts on it become unoriginal and predictable. How many years have I been saying the same old stuff? Years of tweets and blog posts and Facebook statuses contemplating the same old thoughts. But then in a few weeks, there will be an upturn when I will realise that this stability is good. I think I was even writing about that last night.

I needed a rest today. I needed a slow day. I love these quiet weekends alone with the family, sometimes sleeping.

Ahhh, who knows? This one doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. Might be time for a good book, a full night sleep in preparation for the big week ahead. I hope Sarah Palin gives another speech this week. I really enjoyed that last one.

Lessons Learned:

• Live your life as responsibly as you can, knowing you will never get it all right, and rest when you need it. 
• Nostalgia doesn’t always have to hurt. Sometimes it’s just a fleeting memory, like a snowflake meant to only last a brief time. 
• Some nights the words must be hard earned and etched out of the granite of your mind, and even then the diamonds are not always to be found. 

1. What are your thoughts on the state of the world in 2050? 
2. Share a memory of a place you loved to love. 
3. What’s something you do that is hard and does not always yield the results you wanted?